Rainstruck's Not-So-Simple Thing called Life

"You have mail"

Three magic words na nakita ko sa laptop monitor ko. Halata ng mga katabi ko kung gaano ako kaexcited kahit pa alam kong maaring "false alarm" iyon at hindi galing sa 'yo ang mail na natanggap ko.

But no, abot tenga ang ngiti ko nang makita ko ang pangalan mo.




Hindi kumpleto ang araw ko kapag hindi kita nakakausap sa email. Ganun ka rin kaya, ngayong nagleave ako? Namiss mo rin kaya ang kakulitan ko? Kung ako ang tatanungin, ngingitian na lang kita...dahil sobrang namiss ko. Babawian kita bukas pagpasok ko.

Hindi ko naman maikakaila na talaga ngang nagustuhan kita. Aminado din ako na hindi kita masyadong napapansin nung una kitang nakita. Nakakatawa pang apat dapat tayo nun, at dalawa na lang tayong natira.

Napalapit nga siguro ako sa 'yo dahil dun. At kahit ngayong nasa kanya kanya na tayong opisina at trabaho, andyan pa rin tayo sa isa't isa. Nakakatuwa.

Isang buwan at dalawang linggo na tayong nagtatrabaho...so far, so good. At kahit ganyan pa lang kaikli ang panahon na talagang nakilala kita, sobrang nahulog ako sa pagkataong ipinapakita mo. Natutuwa talaga ako sa 'yo kasi ang ganda ng ugali mo. Outgoing ka, humorous, pero nasa lugar at may sense. Responsible sa family at masipag talaga, at higit sa lahat, hanga ako sa faith mo sa Kanya. Gusto kitang tularan.

Kaya hindi na rin nakakapagtaka kung talagang mahulog ang loob ko sa 'yo kasi karapat dapat ka naman talaga.



...di ba, 'tay?

I just missed my blog so much lately.

..but no matter how long i stayed long in front of this PC, my thoughts just seem to escape, and i can't grasp enough words to express myself...hay.

==

Medyo busy na nga ako sa work ko sa Toshiba, pero masaya... madami akong natututunan, maraming nakakasalamuha, maraming nakikilala. Ibang environment na nga talaga. Pero ang tanong: may nagbago na ba sa akin?

Nung una, pakiramdam ko, nakagapos pa rin ako sa past ko. Andyan yung moments ko na sumasagi sa isip ko ang ex ko (na, oo, sobrang minahal ko) kaya wala na akong ginawa kundi ang itext siya (how frustrating...)... mali talaga kako, dapat bitawan ko na ang isang bagay na alam ko hindi na maibabalik. Kaya ito, naghahanap ng mga rason sa opisina para maiba naman.

...and somehow, i didn't fail to find those reasons.

I am inspired, i mean mas inspired ako ngayon kesa dati. I am indeed happy with my job (masarap mag-earn for myself). Masaya ring magkaroon ng new cool set of friends sa workplace na masarap kakulitan.

...at isa pa, (hehe) dahil ngayon lang ulit ako nagkaroon ng crush.
But for that reason lang, masaya ako...at blooming daw. hehe. Ako naman kasi ang tipong taong mababaw ang kaligayahan eh...

...pero ewan, crush nga lang ba? haay nako april, ayan ka naman.

===

"Gusto ko magkababy"

yan lang ang nasabi ko sa ex ko nang minsang nag-usap kami sa text. dati kasi, (kahit minsan nung kami pa) pinangarap ko na magkaroon ng one happy family (syempre with him)..but of course, di na magaganap EVER yun.

oo, gusto ko nga, pero later na pag dumating na ang right time na hinihintay ko... ngayon, inspired ako magwork for myself at syempre, sa magiging family ko if ever. although i am very much single and available now, nageenjoy ako sa thought na ganun. tama nga naman. di naman ako magwowork for myself lang, may pinaglalaanan ako for the future.

..at related sa nauna kong post (sa itaas), gusto ko ata ng future with that guy..haha!

==

at related pa rin sa unang post ko...
madali akong naaattract sa mga guys na may napakagandang personality. itong guy kasi na ito, mabait na, masipag pa... board passer, may itsura pa... o san ka pa? haay talaga... :)

Pag-ibig
Mahirap laruin
dahil di dapat laruin

Pag-ibig
Mahirap pagsinungalingan
lalo na pag damdami'y matindi

Pag-ibig
Ituring ka ng baliw
baliw ka pa rin

Pag-ibig
Gusto, ibig
kati lang siguro ng katawan

Pag-ibig
Minsan sakit sa ulo
pero gusto mo namang nasasaktan

Pag-ibig
Nagtapat ka na't lahat
masasaktan ka pa rin

Pag-ibig
magulo't kumplikado
minsan ok, minsan hindi

Pag-ibig
minsan ikaw ang niloloko
kaya iniisip mo na ring mangloko

Pag-ibig
Kung kailan ka naman seryoso
saka ka naman hindi seseryosohin

Pag-ibig
pinakakaiba dito sa mundo
napakamakapangyarihan (daw)

Pag-ibig
Hopeless romantic ako
hopeless nga...
hopeless talaga...

Masaya ako; meron na akong work, madalas wala na ulit ako sa bahay, bagong mga mukha at kaibigan, madalas busy at may pinagkakaabalahan. Mag-aaral ulit ako, bagong lugar, uniporme at rules and regulations; maraming Hapones, bagong concepts and ideas, bagong pakikisama; kakaibang pananabik sa araw ng Biyernes at paguwi sa bahay; sobrang pananabik na humarap sa PC para mag-internet dahil bawal sa opisina; bagong ID na high-tech, sa masarap na choco chip brownies sa canteen ng toshiba; sa pagmumulat sa akin sa katotohanang 22 na ako at may nakakasalamuha akong mga kababaihang halos kasing edad ko na kailangang kumayod para matustusan ang pangangailangan ng 'sarili nilang pamilya'; sa isang material handler na hawig at kapareho ng ugali ni yum, sa sapatos na worth P470, sa nakakatuwang bosing na marunong mag magic sa cards, sa magigiliw na HDM girls, sa napakamahal kong ESD attire, sa pag-aaral ko ng MatE, semiconductors at IE...sa bagong buhay.

Ngunit...

sa isang linggo ko palang na pamamalagi sa bago kong tahanan, narealize ko...

Kakaiba talaga ito.

Na dati pala'y fake ang kasayahang pinapakita ko, na nararamdaman ko.
Hindi ko kayang tanggapin na ako at ang buhay ay talaga palang malungkot, nakakabagot at walang direksyon.
Na iba talaga ang saya na naidudulot kapag may special someone sa life ko, ngunit pakiramdam ko naman parang akong pinagkaitan ng tadhana.
Na gusto ko talagang mapag-isa pero dahil ayaw ng iba, nahihirapan ako.
Na iba ang pakiramdam na makipag-ayos sa yo ang dating mahal ko na dating nagmamatigas.
Na iba ang pakiramdam na minsan mahal ko minsan hindi ang isang tao kahit pa alam kong ayaw na niya ng kahit anong romansa sa pagitan namin.
Na iba ang pakiramdam na inaabangan mo ang araw na magkikita kami ulit.
Na nasa sa isip ko pa rin pala siya...at nasa puso...haay.
Na miss ko na ang UP.
Na hindi ko alam kong makakapag-board exam ba ako this year o hindi.
Na gusto ko talagang maging malaya at masaya.
Iyon.

Haay...

Haay…my bum days are almost over. New job, new location, new environment… definitely, a new life awaits me. I don’t know yet what to expect but I am up for the challenges… really, really up for the challenges.

New lifestyle… I will be staying in Laguna during weekdays for work, and I’ll be back in Manila during weekends for my review. That would be my life for the next couple of years or so… away from home, away from UP, away from my old, bum life. Exciting, at the same time, terrifying… I will surely miss texting all day long (thanks to unlimited texting services), going to the internet cafes during afternoons just to surf anything/chatting/blogging, leaving the house for some ‘valid’ reasons (hehehe..), watching TV and facing my good ol’ friend, this personal computer (run by an Intel Celeron processor, with incredibly low memory, backed up with 12gigs hard disk drive; installed with MatLab, MathCad, MS Office, etc... amazing huh?)

...wala lang, senti sentihan lang...

The things we do for love-
how we’re always there when they need us
how we wait for them to call when not around
how we laugh at the siliest jokes and smile at the littlest compliments
how we try to make them laugh when they’re sad
how we take care of everything they need
how we let them kiss us without asking
how we let them stay without knowing till when they’re gonna stay
how we hug them back so tightly as if we can keep them
how we stumble
how we fall
the things that we do for love-
its always,

always not enough.

Damn.

==

Ang pagmamahal di natin pinipilit
Di rin sinasadya
Di kayang diktahan
Di natin basta ginusto na lang
Dahil kung kontrolado natin to…

Magmamahal ba tayo ng taong sasaktan lang tayo?

==

Comment: wala lang... napupuno na kasi inbox ko...eh nanghihinayang akong idelete kaya pinost ko na lang. :)

1) Kung alam mo lang ang mga bagay bagay na sinasabi ng utak ko na hindi ko naman masabi sa iyo. Ayoko sanang masira ang momentum, but unfortunately, I failed. Tulad nga ng sinabi mo, nafeel mo na nabore ako. Hindi kaya? Hindi kasi ganun ang naging case, medyo inaantok na ako nun. Isa pa, naging cautious na ako sa lahat ng mga sasabihin ko sa yo, but rest assured I am still honest and open sa yo. Kung alam mo lang talaga...

2) Nakakatawang isipin na ang tingin ng ilang tao sa akin ay bitter... hindi kaya? Namimiss ko lang... medyo nagseselos pero keber... pero hindi ibig sabihin nun, bitter ako noh?

3) Masayahang alalahanin ang mga experiences ko sa love...dati. Parang akong nag-aastral projection, at kilig to the max ang lolah. But when the time comes when something jolts me back to reality, it's a really big OUCH! Nananaginip ka na naman ng gising, 'ineng. Kaya minsan nafefeel kong medyo traumatized ako pagdating sa mga issues na ganito, parang nakakatakot ng mag-trust, mag-give ng affection... maglove (i never fell in love...promise)... haay.

4) You don't have even the tiniest idea how you hurted me. Akala ko, ikaw na, hindi pa pala. I wasn't looking for substitutes... until now, I don't look for it. I am looking for the real ones.

Dulot ito ng walang patumanggang kasentihan...
==
I
by 6 Cycle Mind

Ay wag naman
Alisin ang
Nag-iisang panaginip

Na ika’y magbabalik
Nagsasamang masaya
At walang pagkukulang

At ngayong wala ka na
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba
Wala bang bukas

Ay bahala na
Ang tanging naririnig
Wala ka bang ibang masabi

Huwag ka nang mag-alala
Inintindi ko
Ang lungkot na ginawa mo

At ngayong wala ka na
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba
Wala bang bukas

At ngayong wala ka na
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba

At ngayong wala ka na
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba
Wala bang bukas

Paulit-ulit mananatili
Pag gising ko'y wala pa rin
Hindi maamin
Ilang dalanging...
Wala na
Wala ka
Wala na

At ngayong wala ka na
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba
Wala bang bukas

===

isa pa...

===

Here Without You
by 3 Doors Down
album: Away from the Sun (2002),
Another 700 Miles (2003)

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight
It’s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
You're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl
It’s only you and me

Everything I know
And anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it’s all said and done
It gets hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl
It’s only you and me

===

..pangalawa...

===

"Wantin' Everything and Nothing at the Same time"

Episodes of drama has not ended yet despite my efforts of recovering from the 'hurts'. After trying every possible alternatives to achieve my 'goal', I failed. Thoughts of him keep on returning and appearing in my dreams and consciousness. I guess I won't be able to erase them at all in my memory unless I got amnesia or selective memory loss.

I can't get my attention off him. It seems as if there is something or someone urges me to do so. No one actually, only me. Darn. Everyone's telling me to move on, to forget.

But if we really are for each other, then so be it.

"If Only I could Turn Back Time"

Someone-out-there might be right, the reality's no rewind, only play, play and more play. But there is one thing I am sure of, no one really knows how to play it, no one even dictates the rules of the game. It could be something that must be dealt with so much care and lots of risks. It's either we win or we lose; that's part of the challenge. But of course, there are times when we can't avoid to regret the steps that we did that led us to pain, discouragements, failure and broken dreams. We are just vulnerable creatures; we stumble at some point in our lives. But looking at it positively, those moments call us to stand up and step on that thing to see the path that we must trudge on.

I risked a few in the past: my pride, my good friendship with some people, my time. I chose to risk in my belief that it is essential for my growth as a social being and as a person. The outcome of my actions is both satisfying and disappointing, but even if that is the case, I accepted them all wholeheartedly, although sometimes, I really can't avoid saying, "oh, I should have done that and not this". The learning process is still part of the game, isn't it? And sometimes, you just can't avoid that there are people who exist to take some other people for granted for them to win the game. I have encountered a number of them already; they may try to mess you up, use you; then they will sort of persuade other people to get their sympathy against you. They would even make themselves appear as if they are the ones being aggravated. Those people really makes me pissed.

But thank God, I can now say "No regrets... Everything's under His control".

===

...at pangatlo...

===

You're gone, I thought... you're far away now. Even if I try to search for you now, it would be useless. Avoiding starts to pay off, I thought... for a few days, the usual yearning faded, but still. Nay, I don't need you. I won't look for you again... I won't miss you, and definitely, I won't love you again, damn...

...well, on the other hand...
Yaksa(I'm quite not sure if this is the Tantra character you've been using...but anyway)... haay, I just can't understand myself now. I don't understand why I am missing you a lot lately. For a few days that we have so far shared through constant exchange of text messages, YMs, and for that two days that we have met in person (thanks to Hitachi), I knew a part of you as you are to me, and I know that we have a lot of differences. But it is amazing that even if that is the case, we seemed to understand each other somehow. Ewan. Maybe I am just too blissful and thankful that despite my not-so-cool life right now, may darating at darating talaga para magpasaya sa 'yo. And for that, I am sooo thankful... and I am wishful thinking that we meet sometime soon. :)

Haay, I am moonstrucked talaga...
... but I'm not quite sure, too, if I am in-love with Yaksa??

--Rakshasa
(from now on, kahit hindi ako naglalaro ng Tantra, this will be my nick...hehe)