Rainstruck's Not-So-Simple Thing called Life

Si 'tay...

2006-09-04T17:14:00.000+08:00

"You have mail"

Three magic words na nakita ko sa laptop monitor ko. Halata ng mga katabi ko kung gaano ako kaexcited kahit pa alam kong maaring "false alarm" iyon at hindi galing sa 'yo ang mail na natanggap ko.

But no, abot tenga ang ngiti ko nang makita ko ang pangalan mo.

Hindi kumpleto ang araw ko kapag hindi kita nakakausap sa email. Ganun ka rin kaya, ngayong nagleave ako? Namiss mo rin kaya ang kakulitan ko? Kung ako ang tatanungin, ngingitian na lang kita...dahil sobrang namiss ko. Babawian kita bukas pagpasok ko.

Hindi ko naman maikakaila na talaga ngang nagustuhan kita. Aminado din ako na hindi kita masyadong napapansin nung una kitang nakita. Nakakatawa pang apat dapat tayo nun, at dalawa na lang tayong natira.

Napalapit nga siguro ako sa 'yo dahil dun. At kahit ngayong nasa kanya kanya na tayong opisina at trabaho, andyan pa rin tayo sa isa't isa. Nakakatuwa.

Isang buwan at dalawang linggo na tayong nagtatrabaho...so far, so good. At kahit ganyan pa lang kaikli ang panahon na talagang nakilala kita, sobrang nahulog ako sa pagkataong ipinapakita mo. Natutuwa talaga ako sa 'yo kasi ang ganda ng ugali mo. Outgoing ka, humorous, pero nasa lugar at may sense. Responsible sa family at masipag talaga, at higit sa lahat, hanga ako sa faith mo sa Kanya. Gusto kitang tularan.

Kaya hindi na rin nakakapagtaka kung talagang mahulog ang loob ko sa 'yo kasi karapat dapat ka naman talaga.

...di ba, 'tay?

GRAVEH!!

2006-08-27T20:08:00.000+08:00

I just missed my blog so much lately.

..but no matter how long i stayed long in front of this PC, my thoughts just seem to escape, and i can't grasp enough words to express myself...hay.

==

Medyo busy na nga ako sa work ko sa Toshiba, pero masaya... madami akong natututunan, maraming nakakasalamuha, maraming nakikilala. Ibang environment na nga talaga. Pero ang tanong: may nagbago na ba sa akin?

Nung una, pakiramdam ko, nakagapos pa rin ako sa past ko. Andyan yung moments ko na sumasagi sa isip ko ang ex ko (na, oo, sobrang minahal ko) kaya wala na akong ginawa kundi ang itext siya (how frustrating...)... mali talaga kako, dapat bitawan ko na ang isang bagay na alam ko hindi na maibabalik. Kaya ito, naghahanap ng mga rason sa opisina para maiba naman.

...and somehow, i didn't fail to find those reasons.

I am inspired, i mean mas inspired ako ngayon kesa dati. I am indeed happy with my job (masarap mag-earn for myself). Masaya ring magkaroon ng new cool set of friends sa workplace na masarap kakulitan.

...at isa pa, (hehe) dahil ngayon lang ulit ako nagkaroon ng crush.
But for that reason lang, masaya ako...at blooming daw. hehe. Ako naman kasi ang tipong taong mababaw ang kaligayahan eh...

...pero ewan, crush nga lang ba? haay nako april, ayan ka naman.

===

"Gusto ko magkababy"

yan lang ang nasabi ko sa ex ko nang minsang nag-usap kami sa text. dati kasi, (kahit minsan nung kami pa) pinangarap ko na magkaroon ng one happy family (syempre with him)..but of course, di na magaganap EVER yun.

oo, gusto ko nga, pero later na pag dumating na ang right time na hinihintay ko... ngayon, inspired ako magwork for myself at syempre, sa magiging family ko if ever. although i am very much single and available now, nageenjoy ako sa thought na ganun. tama nga naman. di naman ako magwowork for myself lang, may pinaglalaanan ako for the future.

..at related sa nauna kong post (sa itaas), gusto ko ata ng future with that guy..haha!

==

at related pa rin sa unang post ko...
madali akong naaattract sa mga guys na may napakagandang personality. itong guy kasi na ito, mabait na, masipag pa... board passer, may itsura pa... o san ka pa? haay talaga... :)

Chaos named Pag-ibig

2006-08-05T09:48:00.000+08:00

Pag-ibig
Mahirap laruin
dahil di dapat laruin

Pag-ibig
Mahirap pagsinungalingan
lalo na pag damdami'y matindi

Pag-ibig
Ituring ka ng baliw
baliw ka pa rin

Pag-ibig
Gusto, ibig
kati lang siguro ng katawan

Pag-ibig
Minsan sakit sa ulo
pero gusto mo namang nasasaktan

Pag-ibig
Nagtapat ka na't lahat
masasaktan ka pa rin

Pag-ibig
magulo't kumplikado
minsan ok, minsan hindi

Pag-ibig
minsan ikaw ang niloloko
kaya iniisip mo na ring mangloko

Pag-ibig
Kung kailan ka naman seryoso
saka ka naman hindi seseryosohin

Pag-ibig
pinakakaiba dito sa mundo
napakamakapangyarihan (daw)

Pag-ibig
Hopeless romantic ako
hopeless nga...
hopeless talaga...

Ngayon...

2006-07-22T13:32:00.000+08:00

Masaya ako; meron na akong work, madalas wala na ulit ako sa bahay, bagong mga mukha at kaibigan, madalas busy at may pinagkakaabalahan. Mag-aaral ulit ako, bagong lugar, uniporme at rules and regulations; maraming Hapones, bagong concepts and ideas, bagong pakikisama; kakaibang pananabik sa araw ng Biyernes at paguwi sa bahay; sobrang pananabik na humarap sa PC para mag-internet dahil bawal sa opisina; bagong ID na high-tech, sa masarap na choco chip brownies sa canteen ng toshiba; sa pagmumulat sa akin sa katotohanang 22 na ako at may nakakasalamuha akong mga kababaihang halos kasing edad ko na kailangang kumayod para matustusan ang pangangailangan ng 'sarili nilang pamilya'; sa isang material handler na hawig at kapareho ng ugali ni yum, sa sapatos na worth P470, sa nakakatuwang bosing na marunong mag magic sa cards, sa magigiliw na HDM girls, sa napakamahal kong ESD attire, sa pag-aaral ko ng MatE, semiconductors at IE...sa bagong buhay.

Ngunit...

sa isang linggo ko palang na pamamalagi sa bago kong tahanan, narealize ko...

Kakaiba talaga ito.

Na dati pala'y fake ang kasayahang pinapakita ko, na nararamdaman ko.
Hindi ko kayang tanggapin na ako at ang buhay ay talaga palang malungkot, nakakabagot at walang direksyon.
Na iba talaga ang saya na naidudulot kapag may special someone sa life ko, ngunit pakiramdam ko naman parang akong pinagkaitan ng tadhana.
Na gusto ko talagang mapag-isa pero dahil ayaw ng iba, nahihirapan ako.
Na iba ang pakiramdam na makipag-ayos sa yo ang dating mahal ko na dating nagmamatigas.
Na iba ang pakiramdam na minsan mahal ko minsan hindi ang isang tao kahit pa alam kong ayaw na niya ng kahit anong romansa sa pagitan namin.
Na iba ang pakiramdam na inaabangan mo ang araw na magkikita kami ulit.
Na nasa sa isip ko pa rin pala siya...at nasa puso...haay.
Na miss ko na ang UP.
Na hindi ko alam kong makakapag-board exam ba ako this year o hindi.
Na gusto ko talagang maging malaya at masaya.
Iyon.

Haay...

Five...Four...Three...Two and a half...Two....

2006-07-15T14:59:00.000+08:00

Haay…my bum days are almost over. New job, new location, new environment… definitely, a new life awaits me. I don’t know yet what to expect but I am up for the challenges… really, really up for the challenges.

New lifestyle… I will be staying in Laguna during weekdays for work, and I’ll be back in Manila during weekends for my review. That would be my life for the next couple of years or so… away from home, away from UP, away from my old, bum life. Exciting, at the same time, terrifying… I will surely miss texting all day long (thanks to unlimited texting services), going to the internet cafes during afternoons just to surf anything/chatting/blogging, leaving the house for some ‘valid’ reasons (hehehe..), watching TV and facing my good ol’ friend, this personal computer (run by an Intel Celeron processor, with incredibly low memory, backed up with 12gigs hard disk drive; installed with MatLab, MathCad, MS Office, etc... amazing huh?)

...wala lang, senti sentihan lang...

SMS Galore

2006-07-15T14:53:00.000+08:00

The things we do for love-
how we’re always there when they need us
how we wait for them to call when not around
how we laugh at the siliest jokes and smile at the littlest compliments
how we try to make them laugh when they’re sad
how we take care of everything they need
how we let them kiss us without asking
how we let them stay without knowing till when they’re gonna stay
how we hug them back so tightly as if we can keep them
how we stumble
how we fall
the things that we do for love-
its always,

always not enough.

Damn.

==

Ang pagmamahal di natin pinipilit
Di rin sinasadya
Di kayang diktahan
Di natin basta ginusto na lang
Dahil kung kontrolado natin to…

Magmamahal ba tayo ng taong sasaktan lang tayo?

==

Comment: wala lang... napupuno na kasi inbox ko...eh nanghihinayang akong idelete kaya pinost ko na lang. :)

Random Thoughts

2006-07-11T15:39:00.000+08:00

1) Kung alam mo lang ang mga bagay bagay na sinasabi ng utak ko na hindi ko naman masabi sa iyo. Ayoko sanang masira ang momentum, but unfortunately, I failed. Tulad nga ng sinabi mo, nafeel mo na nabore ako. Hindi kaya? Hindi kasi ganun ang naging case, medyo inaantok na ako nun. Isa pa, naging cautious na ako sa lahat ng mga sasabihin ko sa yo, but rest assured I am still honest and open sa yo. Kung alam mo lang talaga...

2) Nakakatawang isipin na ang tingin ng ilang tao sa akin ay bitter... hindi kaya? Namimiss ko lang... medyo nagseselos pero keber... pero hindi ibig sabihin nun, bitter ako noh?

3) Masayahang alalahanin ang mga experiences ko sa love...dati. Parang akong nag-aastral projection, at kilig to the max ang lolah. But when the time comes when something jolts me back to reality, it's a really big OUCH! Nananaginip ka na naman ng gising, 'ineng. Kaya minsan nafefeel kong medyo traumatized ako pagdating sa mga issues na ganito, parang nakakatakot ng mag-trust, mag-give ng affection... maglove (i never fell in love...promise)... haay.

4) You don't have even the tiniest idea how you hurted me. Akala ko, ikaw na, hindi pa pala. I wasn't looking for substitutes... until now, I don't look for it. I am looking for the real ones.

Mga bagay-bagay...

2006-07-02T19:57:00.000+08:00

Dulot ito ng walang patumanggang kasentihan...
==
I
by 6 Cycle Mind

Ay wag naman
Alisin ang
Nag-iisang panaginip

Na ika’y magbabalik
Nagsasamang masaya
At walang pagkukulang

At ngayong wala ka na
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba
Wala bang bukas

Ay bahala na
Ang tanging naririnig
Wala ka bang ibang masabi

Huwag ka nang mag-alala
Inintindi ko
Ang lungkot na ginawa mo

At ngayong wala ka na
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba
Wala bang bukas

At ngayong wala ka na
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba

At ngayong wala ka na
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba
Wala bang bukas

Paulit-ulit mananatili
Pag gising ko'y wala pa rin
Hindi maamin
Ilang dalanging...
Wala na
Wala ka
Wala na

At ngayong wala ka na
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba
Wala bang bukas

===

isa pa...

===

Here Without You
by 3 Doors Down
album: Away from the Sun (2002),
Another 700 Miles (2003)

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight
It’s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
You're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl
It’s only you and me

Everything I know
And anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it’s all said and done
It gets hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl
It’s only you and me

===

..pangalawa...

===

"Wantin' Everything and Nothing at the Same time"

Episodes of drama has not ended yet despite my efforts of recovering from the 'hurts'. After trying every possible alternatives to achieve my 'goal', I failed. Thoughts of him keep on returning and appearing in my dreams and consciousness. I guess I won't be able to erase them at all in my memory unless I got amnesia or selective memory loss.

I can't get my attention off him. It seems as if there is something or someone urges me to do so. No one actually, only me. Darn. Everyone's telling me to move on, to forget.

But if we really are for each other, then so be it.

"If Only I could Turn Back Time"

Someone-out-there might be right, the reality's no rewind, only play, play and more play. But there is one thing I am sure of, no one really knows how to play it, no one even dictates the rules of the game. It could be something that must be dealt with so much care and lots of risks. It's either we win or we lose; that's part of the challenge. But of course, there are times when we can't avoid to regret the steps that we did that led us to pain, discouragements, failure and broken dreams. We are just vulnerable creatures; we stumble at some point in our lives. But looking at it positively, those moments call us to stand up and step on that thing to see the path that we must trudge on.

I risked a few in the past: my pride, my good friendship with some people, my time. I chose to risk in my belief that it is essential for my growth as a social being and as a person. The outcome of my actions is both satisfying and disappointing, but even if that is the case, I accepted them all wholeheartedly, although sometimes, I really can't avoid saying, "oh, I should have done that and not this". The learning process is still part of the game, isn't it? And sometimes, you just can't avoid that there are people who exist to take some other people for granted for them to win the game. I have encountered a number of them already; they may try to mess you up, use you; then they will sort of persuade other people to get their sympathy against you. They would even make themselves appear as if they are the ones being aggravated. Those people really makes me pissed.

But thank God, I can now say "No regrets... Everything's under His control".

===

...at pangatlo...

===

You're gone, I thought... you're far away now. Even if I try to search for you now, it would be useless. Avoiding starts to pay off, I thought... for a few days, the usual yearning faded, but still. Nay, I don't need you. I won't look for you again... I won't miss you, and definitely, I won't love you again, damn...

...well, on the other hand...
Yaksa(I'm quite not sure if this is the Tantra character you've been using...but anyway)... haay, I just can't understand myself now. I don't understand why I am missing you a lot lately. For a few days that we have so far shared through constant exchange of text messages, YMs, and for that two days that we have met in person (thanks to Hitachi), I knew a part of you as you are to me, and I know that we have a lot of differences. But it is amazing that even if that is the case, we seemed to understand each other somehow. Ewan. Maybe I am just too blissful and thankful that despite my not-so-cool life right now, may darating at darating talaga para magpasaya sa 'yo. And for that, I am sooo thankful... and I am wishful thinking that we meet sometime soon. :)

Haay, I am moonstrucked talaga...
... but I'm not quite sure, too, if I am in-love with Yaksa??

--Rakshasa
(from now on, kahit hindi ako naglalaro ng Tantra, this will be my nick...hehe)

Nuestra Amistad Significa Mucho Para Mí

2006-06-25T19:31:00.000+08:00

(I don't think the title fits the entry... anyway)

I have a lot of thoughts right now, but it seems that I can't put them into right words...

...Ok, 'tis might be a desperate attempt to make a blog entry, I mean, I'm not sure if this will make sense at all.

==

During those moments of silence that I think you thought that I locked up myself in the room and wept, I was ironically leapt out of that damn cold bed, went to the other room and began searching for some clothes to iron. Someone played my burned CD.. I just can't help but sang to the top of my lungs when I heard my favorite song being played. I was literally leaping while I sang, and while I did the unexpected house chore. Blissfully as I may have seemed yesterday, but my eyes were warm with tears that were to fall. I held back those tears that you don't even deserve...

I know I am sad, and somewhat heartbroken; but it is kinda weird that I don't feel the pain I am anticipating. I was sad...merely because I have to abandon some plans that I have already made, and I even have to break a promise. I was sad because you are not the one you can appreciate my peculiarity among the others and my unique way of offering you comfort. Quoting your words, at the most, friendship. That is up for grabs, but surprisingly, I hesitated to catch that desperate lure to connect with you. For the first time, I paused and put myself into a very deep thinking... now, I don't know if this will be my response but I think, I can't hold on any further... thank you, but I can't accept your offer. It would be hard for me though, but I think that would be best, especially for me. Tres Anios, I held on to my beliefs that long... I sacrificed a lot, and I know that I didn't fall short, I just did my best, offered everything I can. And now, putting a fin is enough... no more, no less.

25 June 2006
2046hrs, netopia

==

Tsug Tsug sa Buhay...

2006-06-04T16:32:00.000+08:00

I want to have major changes...in my life, I mean.
I could also be in that point in life when I do have so many questions, most of them profound, and still in the process of searching for the answers.

Kayo ba, may mga tanong?

Tulad nga nang nasabi ko, madami akong tanong, madami akong gustong baguhin sa life ko...for some reasons. But of course, any change (big or small) entails hardwork, sacrifice if you are really up for that change. May mga bagay na kailangan akong kalimutan, iabandon kung gusto ko talaga ng change.

Sige simulan natin:

- Dahil graduate na ako, I need to have a job ASAP. Kung ang ibang friends ko na kabatch ko ay hindi masyadong nagmamadali magkaroon ng trabaho, hindi ganun ang case ko. Sa totoo nga nyan, minsan napipressure na rin ako, pero kahit ayaw ko pa (partly because tinatamad pa ako) ay kailangan kong magsumikap. Pero dahil fresh graduate ako, medyo mahirap talagang maghanap ng job na chem engg related. Hmm, considering the number of board passers na ahead sa amin na kakumpitensya namin sa job vacancies; considering also the gender, and the height, and the location, mahirap talaga. But what I can boast is my skills. :)

- My So-Called Intra-Personal Affairs: I am aiming for a more emotionally, psychologically stable me. I've been in a similar situation back in my freshman year in college, pero ang kinaiba ngayon the adjustments na gagawin ko ay sobrang drastic. Sa 5 years na asa college ako, ilang beses akong nadepress na hinayaan ko lang magsubside. Alam ko back then na kailangan ko nang magseek ng medical attention, o kahit psychiological guidance man lang dahil affected na pati na ang mga bagay na mas importante like acads. Nagmumukmok ako sa room kaiiyak, lagi ako nagkakamigraine na parang hinahighblood. basta malala talaga. Ngayon, ewan, enough na kaya yung 180 degree (full) turn para makamove on na ako?

- I want to search for happiness. This does not mean that I am not happy right now, but what i want to look for is something that would also mean fulfillment or eternal bliss for me. Meron akong mga gustong gawin sa buhay na at present eh hindi doable. I am praying na sana matagpuan ko na ang gloria. :)

- The way I look at 'them'. Yung isa, hindi nya alam na sa kabila ng mga naririnig, nababasa niya about me, naiisip ko pa rin siya. Nagmukha man akong masama sa kanya, ginawa ko naman ang inaakala kong dapat kong gawin. That's it. Parang yung narinig ko sa radyo, If you think you have exhausted all the possibilities, you don't. Lagi ko kasing sinasabi na wala nang way, wala na. Maaaring meron, ayaw ko lang iconsider, ayaw ko na iconsider. That must it, enough. Yung isa naman, hindi na siguro magkukrus ang landas namin kaya ok lan.. ilang beses ba naman magkrus eh, I did learn my lesson from him. Yung isa naman, muntik na, mahal na mahal ko siya bilang friend ko at ayaw ko in any way possible na masisira yun.

Yun lang siguro... Malabong entry indeed...

Bkt b ang kulit m?

2006-05-31T16:13:00.000+08:00

Di na ako nakasagot nang itanong mo sa akin yan. Kahit ako, walang isasagot sa million dollar question na yan. Bakit nga ba ako makulit?

At galit ka nga siguro kaya mo naitanong yan.

Naaalala mo ba dati... isang araw, nag-aaral ako para sa isang exam. Para walang istorbo, nagmukmok ako sa isang sulok ng couch sa tambayan, at nagsimula nang magbasa. Walang anu-ano, at sa hindi ko malamang dahilan, bigla ka na lang tumabi sa akin, at pinagbabato lang naman ang mga throw pillows sa akin (ah, para dun pala ang 'throw' pillows). Ayun, sa gitna ng aking concentration, nanggulo ka... pasalamat ka at mahaba ang pasensya ko. Sinakyan ko ang mga pangungulit mo. Di lang yun ang pagkakataong nangulit ka, maraming beses pa. Ngunit ni minsan, hindi ako nagreklamo sa 'yo... tinanggap ko lang nang maluwat na ganun ka talaga.

Sobrang kulit mo nun. Kung tutuusin, mas makulit ka kesa sa akin. Wala akong balak agawin ang korona mo sa pagiging makulit...

Eh, Bakit nga ba ako makulit? Simple lang... makulit lang din talaga ako, lalo na kung ikaw ang biktima ng pangungulit kong ito. Gets mo na?

This message counts...

2006-05-28T18:09:00.000+08:00

Kahit pa forwarded, at hindi mo pa sariling words... at sobrang profound (na parang hindi na ikaw), pinatulan ko pa rin, it counts kasi... galing sa yo eh.

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they lie in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. (Theodore Roosevelt)

Nang matanggap ko ito, napangiti lang ako, sabi ko sobrang profoundness naman.. hindi ko kinaya. Pero nung kinalaunan, shinare ko yun sa mga seatmates ko sa review...nasabi ko pa ngang I have had suffered much. Kung tutuusin, andito pa rin ako lumalaban, pero minsan dahil sobra, di naiiwasang isiping magfalter. But I am strong willed, quoting my guy-bessie ko, lalaki daw ako, kaya ito, I remained standing despite of all odds that came along. I am so blessed, God is truly loving..and He really cares for me. Alam Niya na lagi na lang ako naluluha pero hindi lang talaga tumutulo 'to dahil sobrang nagpipigil ako... matatag ako, hindi lahat nadadaan sa pag-iyak. Kung minsan nga siguro, kailangan gawin yun... brutal man pero, oo, kailangan.

Sa nagpadala sa akin nito, salamat. Alam mo naman ang paguumeffort kong magkaayos tayo eh tsaka yung efforts kong kalimutan ka pero the truth is, andito ka pa rin at walang nagbago... mahirap baguhin ang isang bagay na sa paniniwala ko ay maayos na. Mukha kakainin ko pa ang salita ko...

Flared Jeans over Straight Cut

2006-05-27T13:28:00.000+08:00

Style matters. I really love wearing flared jeans over straight cut jeans. I am so mesmerized with the way a flared jeans fit very well to my legs, how it emphasizes my ‘assets’, and how it looks good with whatever footwear I opt to wear. It is the complete opposite of straight cut jeans… I just don’t feel sexy at all when I wear one… and it’s too demure.

They are just two of the options that we encounter in our everyday lives. We have many choices; however, we do have preferences. Sometimes, we stick to the norms and to what the society dictates us to do...

Nuninuninu Kagabi...

2006-05-22T12:16:00.000+08:00

What time is it: 30 minutes past 12 midnight, oras na dapat para matulog pero heto at gising pa ako. Partida, may job interview ako ng 8AM sa Makati mamaya.

What are you doing: Uhm, nakaharap sa PC? Nagmumunimuni, gumagawa ng ipopost sa blog, kumakain ng ever loyal na black chocolate, nagmumunimuni pa ulit… Iniisip ang mga dapat na nangyari at hindi yung mga nangyari… I was deeply traumatized.

What are you wearing: Orange shirt, blue shorts… pambahay.

What did you do 15 minutes ago: texting, kausap ang isang mabait na friend.

When was the last time you cried: Kanina sa FX taxi nung pauwi ako kanina from review, kanina ko pa kasing pinipigilan, tapos pinatugtog sa radyo yung Ulan ng cueshe kaya ayun.

What did you cry for: Him…him…him… at Me…me…me

Follow-Up: Why did you cry: Haay, isang malaking kumplikadong bagay para sa aking wala nang ginawa kundi ang … haay, mahalin siya? Isa na iyong kabaliwan.

Who do you want to love, the one who you don’t love but loves you or the one you love but doesn’t love you: Pwede bang mahal ko at mahal ako? Sana makita ko na siya… Lord, please don’t delay, ASAP.

How do you see yourself 5 years from now: I’ve always dream of having a happy family with that special someone, pero ngayon mukhang di na matutuloy yun… with another special someone siguro na hindi ko pa siguro namemeet. Sana successful sa trabaho, rewarding naman. To have a place which I can call my own, to have a car which I can call my own… basta, near or almost successful. Kaya ngayon, magsisipag na ako, for myself, for my family now and tomorrow, at sa kanilang mga naging inspiration ko dati at naging dahilan ng pagluha ko. Para sa inyo ang lahat ng gagawin ko…

What is your greatest achievement in life: Nahihirapan akong sagutin yan, pero may naisip na akong isasagot. My greatest achievement in life is not of material things but of morals. Despite of the failures and trials that I encounter, I remained strong, and fighting. I may have cried over those things but I believed that tears are not a sign of weakness. I’m proud to say that I was able to stand up and move on. Every encounter teaches us a lesson to ponder along the way.

Time check: 10 minutes before 1AM.

Sori It's Over

2006-05-21T19:04:00.000+08:00

It takes two to dance tango... Kung umayaw na ang isa, pa'no makakasayaw yung isa? solo flight??

Haay, may masasabi pa ba akong iba. Heto ako ngayong pilit pinipigilan ang pagtulo ng luha... Para ano pa ang pag-iyak ko eh wala ka na nga.

Loka-loka... it took me three 'failures' para malamang hindi nga tayo para sa isa't isa. Hay, kung tinamaan ka talaga ng lintik na yan. Pero magpapakatatag ako. Eh ano ngayon kung hindi na tayo? Eh ano ngayon kung ilang linggo lang naging tayo? loka-loka talaga... risk, risk, kalokohan! Naturingang engineering graduate tapos hindi nacompute ang risk ng success and failure, pucha! Di mo naman ako masisi, parang lang kasing toss coin yan, 50-50 ang chances...

'kala mo wala-wala lang 'to... wag ka, asa loob ang kulo! Pero tulad nga ng nasabi ko na, for some reason hindi ko magawang magalit sa yo... ewan ko ba, blame it to my kagagahan and katangahan over you. Love or 'love' makes this gorgeous chick go gaga over you who... never mind...enough said.

Yan, masaya ka na? Walang mang-iirita sa 'yo, wala nang pilit umiintindi sa yo dahil simula't sapul hindi mo naman kailangan... no more passionate lip service, no more escorts, no more intimate moments, no more... NO MORE! shit, (I) have some pity left on myself... What the heck am I doin' now? Hindi ako galit sa 'yo... Galit ako sa pagiging tanga ko, na simula't sapul ganito na talaga ako...

Pero bakit ganun? Mahal naman kita... well, siguro nga'y it's a one way street for both of us...no, not us, akin lang siguro. It's time na nga rin siguro para bawas-bawasan ang pagtinginin kong iyon para sa 'yo kasi madidisappoint lang ako sa tuwing iniisip kong ako lang ang ganito sa iyo.

Di rin siguro ako ganun kahayok sa pagkakaroon ng ka-relasyon, ngayon pang I'm out on the real world. sabi nga ng friend ko, madami pa dyan... shit, oo nga, madami pa nga, at hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit pilit kong isinara ang mga mata ko sa iba para lang sa iyo na ni pagtingin wala sa akin? Kagagahan na talaga yon, pagkamartir!

For now, isinasara ko na ang kabanata ng buhay kong iyon, pati ang mga lagusan at kung ano pa mang bukas.. Kung pwede, magpalit ka na rin ng SIM kasi memorized ko yung number mo ngayon eh.. Ayoko na rin tulad nang pag-ayaw mo.. Ayoko na ring nasasaktan, ayoko na rin nakikita ang sarili kong nahihirapan sa wala, ayoko ng magpakamartir sa isang taong hindi pa napapatunayan ang sarili nya sa akin, ayoko na... Tulad ng nasabi ko sa isa sa mga nauna kong blog entry dito, salamat at lulubayan na talaga kita... That's it, no more no less, that's its, it's all done, it's over. My illusions are over, my dreams of us together are dead, but my patience and understanding for you are still as long as EDSA..katangahan ulit. Haay, sana lang, mapanindigan ko iyon... please Lord help me.

PS. I'll prove myself that I am more than deserving of the affection and love I am yearning.. I really won't settle again for anything less. I have had enough of martirdom and thrift, I deserve the best. I deserve only the best.

Morning Ranting...

2006-05-16T10:14:00.000+08:00

Bakit na lang ba ako pinagdududahan? Kasalanan na ba ang umiibig uli after a few months of heartbreak? Kung pinagdududahan mo ako, wala na ako magagawa dun, sabihin mo na ang lahat ng sayaw na alam mo...

...Basta ako, ok na ako sa piling ng mahal ko ngayon. Yun ang mas importante sa 'kin ngayon.

Rainstruck Rants Again...

2006-05-14T18:54:00.000+08:00

Be a man! Go, prove your worth!

Gusto kong Lumuha pero Hindi pwede...

2006-05-12T16:02:00.000+08:00

http://gracesunsent.blogspot.com/2006/04/chucks.html

haaay...life... wag nang pansinin... wag nang magalit... move on, move on...

Nothing But Thoughts...

2006-05-12T15:32:00.000+08:00

Gwapo,

para sa 'yo...torpe (ni Barbie)...

huwag na lang kaya hari ng katorpehan
huwag, huwag na lang kaya
di ka ba nagsasawa sa liwanag ng buwan?

namamatay na ang mga rosas sa tabi
di ka pa rin bumibili
nauubos na ang oras sa kahihintay
pero ni sulat,ni tawag, (ni text, ni hi, ni ho) Wala!!!

ba't mo pa kailangan ng tulay? (as if may tulay)
kahit ulap nagsasabi tayo'y bagay
ba't mo pa kailangang magtanong?
kung alam mo na, alam mo na

Isang Araw ng Pagkatuliro ni Rainstruck

2006-05-10T18:25:00.000+08:00

Nahirapan akong matulog kagabi kasi inatake na naman ako ng insomnia ko. At sa tuwing nangyayari ito, nagmumukha akong wala sa sarili. Kawawa nga ang mga kapatid kasi nadadamay sila sa pagkabaliw ng ate nila.

Maaaring ang pagkatuliro ko na naman ang salarin. Ewan ko ang tunay na dahilan pero meron akong hinala. Apektado lamang siguro ako sa mga nangyayari kamakailan. O masyado ko lang silang iniisip. Ewan, magulo, magulo ang utak ko... o magulo lang talaga ako.

====

Ang Lobo

Tila ako'y isang lobong pwede nang pakawalan sa himpapawirin. Ang UP ang lupa, ang bukas ay ang langit. Sa totoo nga nyan, nauna na ang iba pang mga lobo na lumipad, nung grumaduate kami. Ako, mas pinili ko munang manatili kahit saglit dahil kinakailangan; may malaking pagkakabuhol sa tali ko at kailangan ayusin ito dahil bilang isang marangal na lobo, gusto ko buo pa rin ang tali ko paglipad ko.

Mahigpit at medyo magulo ang pagkakatali... sa ibang walang pasyensya sa buhay, malamang ginupit na nila ang taling yon para tapos na. Pero kahit mahirap, pinilit kong lumagpas sa pagkakabuhol na iyon.

Isang buwan, dalawa... umiiksi na ang pisi ko, tatlo, apat... at tulad ng isang lobong lumiliit dahil nauubusan ng hangin, parang ako na halos mawalan na ng pag-asa. Parang gusto ko na nga ring putulin ang tali ko kaso nanghihinayang ako eh. Medyo matagal ko ring pinahaba yan tapos pipigtalin ko lang nang ganun-ganun?

Halos yumuyuko na sa lupa ang lobo.. Nakakalugmok lang isiping kailangan pa umabot sa ganung punto, halos maging patapung lobo na. Halos mawala na ang pride ng lobo... Kailangang magpakababa kung minsan, at yun na nga ang nangyari.

Medyo naayos na ang pagkakabuhol, at tama lang para makalipad na ang halos naghihikahos na lobo. Ako nga ang lobong ito, handa na akong lumipad, at literal na handa nang iwan ang UP... Marami akong alaalang babaunin sa paglisan kong ito, ngunit kinakailangan kong umalis para makamove on na ako.

====

(n+2)th Journal Entry

Pumunta ako sa burol sa bahay ng isa kong kaibigan. Unang beses ko pa lang napadpad dun. Sinalubong kami ng kaibigan ko. Naroon din ang nanay niya, mga kapatid niya, mga kaibigan at kamag-anak...

Hindi nga ako nananaginip... Nakarating ako sa kanila. Nakilala naman ako ng nanay niya na siya ring ikinatuwa ko. Sariwa pa sa aking gunita ang mga salita ng nanay niya... Pasensya na tita.. ngayon lang ako nakarating... Sorry tito, ngayon lang. Kung alam nyo lang po sana kung gaano ko kagustong bisitahin kayo matagal na, pero... haay...

Nanatili kami dun hanggang alas sais y media. At pagsakay sa kotse ng isa pa naming kaibigan, nangingilid na ang mga luha ko, pero ipinakita kong kalmado ako. Ibinaba ako sa bandang munisipyo para sumakay ng FX. Sa buong biyahe ko hanggang pag-uwi ko, parang akong tuliro... parang gusto kong umiyak... pero hindi ko alam ang dahilan. Hindi, maaring alam ko ang dahilan pero hindi ko lang ina-acknowledge ito...ewan.

====

Sa Pagchichill ko ngayon...

2006-05-07T18:52:00.000+08:00

...Nakakatuwa...

Parang kasing automatic na ang magshare ng mga views ko about sa mga bagay bagay... minsan advices bago pa man hingin sa akin.

...Nakakatuwa...

Ang kailangan mo lang pala ay isang taong makikinig sa 'yo, ni hindi ko na rin kinakailangang mag-isip pa ng mga sasabihin.

...Nakakatuwa...

Ngayon mas nakilala na kita..at naiintindihan.

...Pahabol po...

Please pray for fast recuperation of my friend's dad. He's in critical condition at this moment. Asa heart center siya ngayon. They need our support.
Thank You.

Mula sa Pagkakalugmok

2006-05-05T13:43:00.000+08:00

...thank you...

...di mo lang alam kung gaano mo ako pinasaya...

Dreamin' of You...

2006-04-30T17:22:00.000+08:00

...hug kita...

Tinype ko yan sa cellphone ko at automatic na sinend sa 'yo. ...hug kita... yan ang una kong nasambit nang magising ako mula sa mahimbing kong pagtulog kahapon ng tanghali... nasundan pa ito ng

...napanaginipan na naman kita...

Of all naman, ikaw pa... pati utak ko, naku naman..

...tas ngayon nagtext ka...naka naman...
di ko ata alam ang irereply ko sa 'yo eh... bakit nga ba kita napanaginipan...
...siguro dahil miss na kita...
...siguro dahil miss kita...
...siguro dahil... haay, dahil mahal pa rin kita.

Dilemma...

2006-04-30T17:02:00.000+08:00

There are points in my life when I think of nothing but of the ways of pleasing other people. It has always been my priority to adapt with them, to get at ease with them, and to earn their trust and respect. (Using my high school vocabulary, I am ma-PR). At first, I looked at it innocently as a mere way of adjusting to one’s environment, a kind of adaptation, so it may pose no harm to me in one way or another. With this mindset, I tried to get along with different people, and somehow in the end, I refuted my own principle.

You might as well agree with me that there is nothing wrong with pleasing. However, I think I overdid this pleasing thing. For instance, somebody ask a favor from me. I am just the type of person who does not easily turn down any favor, especially when I know that my help is badly needed and when there’s no conflict. So there, I accepted their favor, I did my best with it, and I did what I think is the extent of help I have to give. That has always been the case. Most of the times, because they have tried me once, twice, and without refusing any of their favors, they don’t know that they are already abusing me. But because I wanted to please them, I just tolerate them.

Of course, that instance is a minor one. There are big ones like pleasing a long time crush or enemy and dealing with things related to them. (I love pleasing these people, really). I also want to be true in every action I undertake, and it is just my very nature to please them wholeheartedly. But because we are all individuals, I have no control over how you perceive me, and how you see me as an individual. I might please you and try my best to please you but if you really don’t like me at all, what can I do? I do encounter these kinds of people, but because I have nothing to do with it, I just tolerate it, I live with it and go on. Very often, I tolerate it unselfishly, but because I am just human, I think I am already nearing the threshold of the unpleasant. Even though I am nearing that verge, it is still in my mind to be the most pleasant creature you would ever encounter…

…and probably, the biggest fool around.

Moral Lesson: Actually, I don't need to please everyone BUT I need to be true.. but if it's my nature to please people then...it's my problem.

===

May isang issue pa akong kinakaharap ngayon. Tulad na lang nang nasabi ko sa huli kong entry dito sa blog, kakaibang magprocess ng detalye ang utak ko. Paano naman, eh lahat na yata ng mga bagay sa paligid eh binibigyang kulay, ayan tuloy.

===

Maaaring ginagawa mo ang mga bagay bagay dahil pakiramdam mo kailangan mong bumawi sa akin or out of pakikisama. Ewan ko, nagugumilahan ako. Madali kasi akong lokohin ng feelings ko eh. Basta, ang moral lesson for me, today that I am trying to fathom is very different from yesterday. I must live with this fact, wala lang talaga ito. Masasanay din ako kahit minsan nakakaramdam pa rin ako ng mga feelings at emotions na hindi ko dapat maramdaman. Nakakainis. I am just human.

-rainstruck
29 April 2006 1622hrs

MagpakaChill in Love (hindi connect)

2006-04-28T19:02:00.000+08:00

Lagi akong napagsasabihan sa amin sa tuwing nahuhuli ako ng uwi... Eh nag-iinternet pa ako eh kaya ako nalelate... at gusto ko lang magchill kahit saglit.

Napakaalinsangan ng panahon kanina, tapos medyo semi-formal pa ang get-up ng lolah. Maghahanap kasi ako ng trabaho sa Makati (eh yun naman ang nararapat kong gawin, hindi ba?). Pagdating sa MRT Q.Ave, punuang umaapaw sa tren hanggang sa ibiniyahe na kami tungong Buendia.

Alas dose impunto. Asa estasyon pa rin kami, at kung tutuusin, late na sa exam. May natiyempuhan kaming taxi-taxihan (private car eh) at kinuntrata kami, otsenta. Oh sige na nga manong, 80, late na kami. Ala sige larga hanggang nakarating sa Ateneo sa dela Costa. Nagmadali kaming sumakay sa elevator patungong ikalimang palapag. At mula ng oras na yun, kalbaryo na sa loob ng isang airconditioned na kwarto.

Tatlong oras... ganun kahaba ang technical exam namin sa kumpanyang inaaplayan namin. Grabe, daig pa namin ang nagfinals. Hindi namin inaasahang ganun kahardcore chem engg ang exam. Pero, well.

Parang natuyot ang utak ko dahil sa init at sa magandang exam na yun. Haay. Gusto kong magchill... san kaya? Megamall? baka gabihin ako. Gateway? ganun din, may naaalala pa ako dun, aberya sa pagchichill. sa UP? sureness, sa UP, sa PA as usual.

After a few minutes, dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa tambayan.. Andaming tao, grabeh. But after a few minutes ulit, ang inaakala kong chill out session ko ay mapupurnada pa dahil...grrh! Haay.

Ayun lang, napurnada ang pagchichill ko kaya nilayasan ko ang mga tao dun at nagevacuate sa DLRC. Buti pa dun, nakapagrelax talaga ako. Tapos umalis na rin ako para maghalo-halo.

Ang tanong: nagchill na nga ba ako? Sa totoo lang hindi. Sobrang nabadtrip kasi ako kanina. Pero na-amaze ako nung umulan kanina lang, as in in-sync talaga sa inis ko kanina.. haay...

===

Ewan ko, ok na nga bang talaga? Kung bakit kakaiba kung magprocess ng mga detalye itong utak ko eh. Ayoko na.

===

Ang Pagtatakipsilim ng Buhay BS Student...

2006-04-22T18:02:00.001+08:00

Nagmartsa na kami kanina... nakaraos din...

Pero bago ang araw na ito, may grand-slam quotable quote kami ni Mama (Actually akin lang pala, haha!):

"Ma, ginapang ko ang chem engg ng limang taon, maglalakad ka na lang!! (after niyang sabihing hindi siya sasama today nung araw na matapos namin ang walang kamatayang plant design)

Anyway, masaya talaga ang buhay, makakatagpo't makakatagpo ka talaga ng mga taong magbibigay anghang sa buhay mo. Actually, isang tao lang naman ang tinutumbok nito eh..obvious naman eh kung sino. Nagpapasalamat ako kay Lord kasi pinagkrus niya landas namin, salamat po talaga.

Nakakatawa, hindi ko na nakayanang panoorin ang flash presentation kanina, naluluha na 'ko eh, sabi ko pa naman sa sarili ko na wag umiyak..hehe.

Mamimiss ko ang UP, mamimiss ko ang Engg, ang Chem Engg, ang Block G-2, ang thesis groupmates ko, ang PA...

ang mga overnight sessions, mga escapades, mga silay at crushes ko...

ang mga extra-curricular activities, ang mga gala sessions, ang beta way...

ang mahogany, ang Llamas, ang alibangbang, ang Teacher's Village...

ang KNL, ang Sta. Lucia, ang Aurora Blvd...

ang CASAA, Lutong Bahay at KLB, Jollibugs, McDo, NISMED...

ang paglalakad mula math bldg papuntang new era, ang paglalakad nang hindi nag-iisa...

ang paghalakhak kasama ang mga orgmates ko... pati na rin pagluha...

ang mga away bati at away forever sessions...

ang pagpunta ko sa Antipolo para sa team bldg, my one and only...

ang pagpunta ko sa simbahan, at pagtitirik ng kandila para sa mga taong hindi ko nakakasundo...

ang pagbulaklak ng mga punong Narra sa tapat ng Old NIP, at pagkuha ng LN2 (parang clouds eh)...

ang pagtambay sa PA tambayan, sa tindahan ni Manang Owl, sa DLRC, sa CS at Engg Library...

(napansin ko lang...puro ata Physics related na lang?? isnt it strange??)

ang pagkain sa ChocoKiss, pagsayaw sa gym...

ang road painting, ang paggawa ng backdrops, at kung anu-anong art...

ang pagstay sa Chem Engg Lab, at pagtitiyaga sa kabila ng kakulangan nito...

sa pangungulit namin sa mga profs, at ang pagkadismaya't paggiliw sa ilan sa kanila...

sa tatlong beses kong pagsubmit ng application forms sa Alchemes pero hindi natuloy ever...

sa pagpuna namin sa mga geologic strata sa car at kwarto ni Arthur at carpolling nga pala...

sa pa-espesyal na enrolment naming mga DOST scholars, paggawa ng Appeal at paghihintay ng Sentence galing sa kanila...

sa 59.97++ na final grade ko sa ES12 nung 3rd yr summer kaya muntik na akong mawalan ng scholarship at sa tagalog readings namin sa Chem31...

ang walang kamatayang manual enlistment sa Physics at EEE...

at ako, na mula sa pagiging shy at tahimik na estudyanteng simula't sapul ay tubong maynila ay naging isang taong loud, loud, at loud...

kaya ito, sobrang mamimiss ko ang UP...

Anu!

2006-04-20T18:49:00.000+08:00

Isang buong araw na walang ginagawa... boring di ba? Ngunit tila nahaharap ako sa ganoong problema ngayon. Dahil nga nakatapos na ako sa kolehiyo, at hindi na enrolled malamang, nakakabato na rin ang magmukmok sa bahay.

Eh saan pa nga ba ako pupunta? Eh di sa UP kong mahal! Sayang, wala akong kodak para makuhaan ng litrato ang mga magagandang tanawin sa unibersidad.

(NOTE: the author wholeheartedly avoided to use a foreign language as to express her feelings in the fullest, and as to avoid any grammatical errors. thank you)

...naglalakad ako habang iniisip ko na ang puso ko'y mananatili sa unibersidad na yun.

Of This Day's (Mis)Adventures

2006-04-18T16:46:00.000+08:00

Grabeh ang araw na ito...

First (Mis)Adventure: Job Interview Galore
I have my job interview earlier at Shell. Their office? it's somewhere in Valero St, Salcedo in Makati. I rode an aircon jeepney (wow cool!) all the way from glorietta to mini stop near GT Tower.. just to found out that malayong malayo mula sa binabaan ko ang building. Imagine, ang pinakamalapit na building along valero na malapit sa GT ay #110, at ang shell?#156... goodluck! Sobrang sakit nga ng paa ko after kong lakarin ang mahabang stretch ng Valero..actually whole stretch ng valero...tsk, tsk...eh pwede naman akong magtaxi?

Second (Mis)Adventure: Glorietta Galore
Syempre after kong mapagod sa paglalakad ay minabuti kong maglibotlibot sa Glorietta..di pa kasi talaga nalilibot yun mula nung first time kong pumunta dun. Anyway, diretso akong McDo para maglunch. Asa pila ako nang may mapansina kong magmommy sa line. Englishero ang kid, sympre ganun din si Mommy. at sa di kalayuan, napansin kong may pinagkakaguluhan ang mga tao, isang guy na nakashade..so tiningnan ko, to found out na si Binoy pala yun! at yung magmommy, mag-ina pala niya! wala lang, second time ko na kasi siyang nakita. nung first time, mga 6 years old pa ako nun, pasikat palang siya, nagshoshooting sila sa may kalye sa likod bahay namin.

After nun, libot libot ako, medyo ok na sana kaso may naalala akong tao: book sale, bread talk, glorietta... haay. tapos kanina, dito naman sa SM, may naggigitara naman ng Akap ng Imago.. di ko naman siya maaalala niyan di ba? haaay...

Third (Mis)Adventure: UP galore
Actually, wala namang misadventure. Pagbaba ko ng jeep sa FC, tumawid ako, paglingon ko sa kiosk, sino nakita ko? si Kwan! oo siya nga. wala lang, nakatambay lang dun. ako, kahit masakit na ang paa, sige lakad pa rin. ikot tkot sa engg, tas nakaabot sa NEC, balik ng engg, balik sa binabaan ko, Punta sa PA, tas alis sana puntang reg but di ko na talaga keri kaya tumambay sa DLRC. fortunately andun sina erik at dan... saya! gitara galore!

Haay life talaga...

Kwan, ika mo nga, The best revenge is good life...Cheers!!

2006-04-17T18:58:00.000+08:00

Minsan sa gitna ng isang unos, may isang taong dumamay sa akin... minsan may nasandigan akong nilalang. Akala ko nun, nag-iisa ako sa laban... hindi pala. Sa mga panahong wala na akong ginawa kundi ang umiyak, may taong nagpapatahan sa akin, may taong nag-spare ng oras niya para damayan ako...iba ang pakiramdam kung alam mong hindi ka nag-iisa sa pagharap sa problema.

Ngayon, tapos na ang problema, at gusto kong balikan ang taong minsang nagshare ng balikat niya para iyakan ko.. hinanap ko siya, ngunit hindi ko na siya nakita ulit. Patuloy ko siyang hinahanap ngayon, kahit hindi ko sigurado kung makikita ko pa siya, ngunit sana...

In the Midst of Winter,

I finally learned

That there was in me

An Invincible Summer...

-Albert Camus

Last Night's Intoxication

2006-04-17T16:06:00.000+08:00

16 April 2006 2312 hrs

Today’s Easter Sunday. Just like the very essence of this day, I should also rise from my own gravepit.

Starting since Holy Wednesday (my birthday) until I can’t remember when, I reflected on the things that had happened in my life: recently, a few weeks ago, a few months ago, a year ago, and years ago. Some are undoubtedly painful, some brought me almost eternal happiness, some made me laugh and whine. But the bottomline of them all, I am now because of these things, both positive and negative, and maybe beneficial. And I would like to thank the following because these people have done a great part on me, whether they knew it or not, whether they accept this or not (of course, it matters…)

The greatest duo of my life… I am very much aware of the tempest that they have been in the past and I learned so much from it. Despite of my mood swings and stubbornness, they’re still there for me, until now. I’m thanking them for not giving up with me (don’t worry, I’m not a hopeless case), and for watching over me and my lovelife (salamat sa prayers)… Ma, Pa, I love you so much. I know you have a lot of expectations to me, (yes, I’m used to it na, don’t worry, di naman ako nashock)… our dreams are just getting started, I’m aiming for them.

Another greatest duo of my life… oo na, lagi niyo akong pinagtutulungan sa bahay, (iba talaga pag may generation gap…tsk) anyway, buti na lang at hindi dininig ni Lord ang 10 boys and 10 girls na kapatid na hinihingi ko, kasi kung nagkataon, baka nabaliw na ako… lesson learned: wala sa bilang ang happiness. Kahit 2 lang kayo, masaya na ako. Thanks mga sis.

Part 2: Ok, mga friends, acquaintances, mga napadaan lang…

Kina John Carlo, John Elson, at sa iba pang mga Johns na nakilala ko at naging crush ko… akala ko noon puro John na lang ang magiging crush ko. Well, those were the-private-school days… haha, nakakatawa, mga bata pa nga talaga tayo nun. John Carlo, sorry nawala ko yung necklace na binigay mo sa akin nung lumipat kami ng bahay. John Elson, puppy love ko, ‘asan ka na ba? Naaalala ko pa nun, pareho nga pala tayong may nunal sa ilalim ng labi at pareho pang nasa kaliwa. Naaalala ko pa nang pinagtabi tayo ng upuan ng teacher natin dahil pinagtripan tayo ng class, syempre pinagtabi tabi ang mga magkakacrush…haha! Naaalala ko pa ang last na recognition day ko sa Lourdes, yun ang last day na nagkita tayo…haay, sad… aminin mo, na sad ka rin, hehe (syempre may spy ako nun!) Sana happy kayo sa mga lives nyo…

Kina Fatima, Michelle, Diza, Elaine… mga chummy chums ko nung elem. Ang hirap talaga ng life ko nung bata pa kasi ilang beses akong lumipat ng school, una dahil lumipat kami ng bahay, pangalawa, nung naisipan na ilipat ako sa public school. Buti na lang at nakilala ko sila. Sila yung mga kashare ko ng baon, kasama pag may contest, kadaldalan…yan, sila yan..

Sa Avo Family… yes, familia ko nung high school. Grabe, ang laki na ng atraso ko kasi di ako nakakaattend sa mga get-together. Sorry guys, organize ulit kayo, pupunta na talaga ako, by hook or by crook. Anyway, sobrang naging makulay at parang pelikula ang life ko nung high school dahil sa kanila, comedy, action, suspense, horror-comedy… grabe. Napilitan akong magtransform nung magcollege kasi iba ako nung high school, feeling ko di ako magsusurvive kung ganun pa rin ako til now. Thanks guys!

Kina Khay, Beth at Jonahlyn…mga chummy chums ko nung high school… I missed you so much…

Part 3: Sa Block G2… isa sa mga familia ko sa UP. The best talaga ang block namin, ang tatag! Ilan pa lang ang official na umalis ng ChE, 5? Grabe, takutin daw ba tayo ni Sir Parco na mataas ang mortality rate sa chem engg. Oh well, tayo ang exception! Bilib talaga ako sa block namin… tapos grabe pa ang bonding. Di na namin actually kailangan ng org para mabond kami nang sobra kasi we’re naturally bonded (ionically ba?).

Kina Arthur, Paul, Harold, Al, Jerwin, Angelo (asan ka man, paramdam ka), Renee – original tropa ko, Sta Lucia ulit, kelan?

Kina Dani, Madz, Erwin- co moderators ko, dapat nag-organize tayo ng bonding session eh, kelan?

Kina Mark, Rona, Maru, Fem, Karen, Luh, Jake, Cecille, Elle, Emman, Bryan, (sino pa?) Joenih; sina Anna, Marianne, Delfin… (nako baka may nakalimutan ako) ah, si Yani- (sorry, at sa mga nakalimutan ko…) G2 the best!

Part 4: Sa UPPA… isa ko pang family. Definitely, hindi ako magiging ganito kung hindi dahil sa org. Pambihira, feeling ko nagmorph ako! Hehe… dahil sa paghahanap ng fresh air, napadpad akong Llamas, sumobra na nga ata kasi napadpad ako sa PA. Anyway, hindi ko talaga mapagkakaila na ang personal kong buhay nang nakalipas na tatlong taon ay umikot sa org na ito. Personal dahil malamang, pano kami magkakaroon ng relate maliban sa acads da ba? Personal dahil wala naman akong pinuproblemang acad matters sa org, puro personal lang. Personal dahil desisyon kong mapabilang sa org na ito. And to think – grabe, sobra pala akong nainfluence ng org, as in. Kahit nanay ko, napansin yun, naging bukambibig ko ang Physics, PA, si kwan na kaibigan ni kwan, na kwan din…

Chucks,
I’m convincing myself na for once, di na ulit ako magbabanggit ng anumang bagay na mag-uugnay sa yo sakin. Kasi kahit yung binigay kong pic sayo sa friendster, dinilete mo na.
Nakakatawa, may libro akong nakita kanina sa National, to Forgive or Not to Forgive (something like that yung title) tapos meron sa baba, why sometimes it is better not to forgive. (saka ko palang narinig na tinawag ako ni Rey… Hi Rey!) Minsan nagiging assumer na nga siguro ako, minsan ayoko na ring pansinin ang mga bagay bagay (lalo na yung sa mga maliliit na bagay tulad sa blog), pero may gut feeling ako na ako at ako naman ang pinatatamaan mo implicitly eh. Maaaring mali ako, pero syempre hindi ako tanga para hindi ko malaman na ako yun di ba? Natatamaan ako, at nasasaktan kahit pilit kong baliwalain. Pero kasi the fact na pinagdudahan mo ako, masakit yun, kasi tinanggalan mo ako ng chance na patunayan ang sarili ko sa yo. Di naman kita masisisi kung ganun ka talaga. Pero sana ginalang mo rin ang mga opinion ko lalo na nung mga buwan na wala na tayo… binigyan mo lang ako ng grounds para pagmunimunihan ko ang mga nararamdaman ko. Maaaring nasaktan ka dahil madami akong nababanggit tungkol kay kwan; hindi ko inaasahang magrereact ka dun, pati na rin sa mga bagay na tapos na, na maaaring mali pero wala na akong magagawa kasi nagawa na, nangyari na.
Gayunpaman, ayoko sanang magdala ng sama ng loob pag alis ko sa UP, at ayoko rin sanang may maiiwan akong may sama ng loob sakin ang ibang tao. Di ko alam kung sa anong paraan kita aamuin pero, sana magkaayos tayo.

Kwan,
Himala. Nagkalinawan na tayo, sa wakas. Nagkakausap na rin tayo, sa wakas. Masaya ako kasi kahit alam mong I still have this eye for you, hindi mo ko iniwasan. Napaka-special mo, ni hindi ko maintindihan tong sarili ko ngayon kung bakit..grrh, basta! Masasabi ko rin yan pag nagkaharap ulit tayo sometime soon. But for now, I believe you can, suportahan taka (attend ako sa defense mo ah?)

Kina PldR at Bugoy,
Mga salamin ko… salamat sa libreng psychological/psychiatric consultation sa inyo… buti na lang, andyan kayo kasi kung hindi, kahit simpleng problema sa puso (hmm, break up lang naman) eh, hindi ko mahahandle, madali kasing magpanic at magbreakdown ang lolah eh.

Sa mga co-apps ko: Jethro, Rye, Jan, Atchong, Loren…(kulang ba?)
Masaya ako at nakilala ko kayo… kung hindi, hindi masaya ang app process.

--to be cont’d--

At Last!!

2006-04-14T17:37:00.000+08:00

Graduate na rin kami at last! after sleepless nights in Paranaque, paghahabol ng ultimate deadline, haay... it all worth it... ansaya talaga! At last talaga...

pero kung tutuusin, medyo nakakasad din ang fact na gagraduate na kami. biruin mo, sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos, kami kami ang magkakasama... grabe mamimiss ko sila talaga ng soooobraaaaah. pero ganun talaga ang buhay eh, we must go on.

isa pa, mamimiss ko rin ang iba ko pang mga friends kasi madalang ko na lang sila makikita. gusto ko sanang magwork sa dept para pwede pa akong mapunta sa PA para bumisita pero pinalagpas ko ang chance, dahil sa 142... haay, baka nga hindi talaga for me yun.

Mid-Air

2006-04-11T01:27:00.000+08:00

My body's drenched with alcohol, a concoction of tequila, beer and cola to be exact. Feeling of heaven seems to take over me, dizziness and too mild to be upset. I began to feel hot flushes. I consciously went to your room to lay on your bed. That bed.

I lazily lied on my back, fixing the pillows above my head. I was hoping then to have a 'peaceful' sleep despite restlessness inside me. With a pillow on my arms, I clinged to it very tight, pretending to be asleep.. moments after, i heard you stride towards your room, and i clinged your pillow more tightly this time. I was about to cry then, but I still managed to make you believe that i was indeed sleeping. you left, and i saw that cute funny stuffed toy that looks like a devil, yeah funny, a devil stuffed toy in a guy's room. i grabbed it and clinged on it. then you returned, because you heard me moan and i was still pretending to be sleeping..Yes, I almost cried. At that moment, I saw flashbacks in the midair, in your dark room. A mere thought of you made me shiver even it was very hot.. the tighter i hugged that toy i saw for the first time.

a toy in a guy's room, what is it doing there? i remembered back then, you used to have a small brown bear stuffed toy, the one i gave you in your birthday. indeed a year had already passed, where is it now? one of your forgotten stuff? and now, i didn't expect that i will be laying in that same bed, and sadly, i haven't seen that toy i afford to give you.

months have already passed since that encounter, but it is still fresh in my mind.. i really thought that i have the capacity to forget completely but now, i was really proved wrong. yes, i did loved you but i know and i think, and greatly convinced that this present we try to fathom is just too different from the past that we used to have.. that's why each day, i just let it pass by like water in my hand.. and hoping that i can now really move on and leave our torn strings behind.

Word for the Day

2006-04-10T02:17:00.000+08:00

Assuming...

in other words: feelingero/feelingera, mga taong nagaakalang sila ang tinutukoy pero hindi..assuming/assumer...

Marami na akong naencounter na assuming, yung mga taong wala nang ginawa kundi maghakahaka, mag-akala, magduda. Assuming talaga nila, kaya ayun. Ewan ko ba, lahat nga siguro ng tao assuming, feelingero. Pero may mga tao talagang nag-uumapaw sa pagka-HMM!

Isang Gabing Tulala

2006-04-07T19:44:00.000+08:00

5 April 2006 2226 hrs

I’m here without you, baby, my media player played. My tears began to fall over my plant design papers. First, because I am stucked with the design; second, because of the song; third, yes, there is a third reason I can’t comprehend.

Early this day, one of my research fellows (who also destined to be my plant design buddy/official driver/phonepal/pare) informed me that our undergrad research turned out to be a finalist in a college-wide undergrad research competition. Yes, I always wanted to be a part of that event and I was so delighted upon hearing the ‘good’ news. It means that we can continue our work, it means 3K bucks for some preparation on the judging day, it means a lot of time again in the laboratory on Holy week (and even on my Holy Wednesday birthday)… haay, our plant design! We have a INC record because of that major, and we have to finish that plant design! Haay…whatever…

Now, I am still working on my part, a very difficult 4-distillation-column part. Just like what I have said to my plant design fellows jokingly, “Wala! Walang nakakaintindi sa akin! Matutulungan nyo ba ako? Hindi! Kasi iba yung akin sa inyo”. Yeah, quite true not only on that major subject but also in a much major subject: the real life. I have been in heck of experiences. I fell a lot of times, I cried a lot of times… they caused me hurt, pain, desperation… but still I tried to stand up. But there are a lot of times when I seeked other’s help before I was able to rise. There were times when I thought that I was really, really weak… me being very emotional. In split of a second, a very logical me would become a very impulsive one, and I blame it to my emotions. But I realized that no one really understands me but myself. No one can help me but God and myself.

Oh my, my plant design… my media player played I miss you. Oh, I received a text message from an orgmate… April 10 to 11, semender, 4pm on the 10th… haay, how I wish I could go there then, but just like what I have said, I’ll be in the lab to become a geek again for one whole week. How I wish I could come there, where… Batangas… I wish I could go to Batangas, but how? 600+ bucks to go there, hmm, I have that amount, I can come, but still I can’t. I can’t ask my parents again to allow me to join, if someone could just ask for me to my parents. Yes, a resounding no one. Funny, I’m already grown up but my parents treat me like a kid when it comes to things like that. Don’t they trust me or what? Anyway, I appreciate their mindset, but sometimes, hehe, never mind. PB, gus2 ko sna pro bka may d n nman sumama eh..erase, erase, delete, delete… bday ko sa 12, mpmahiin cna mama, mas lalo akng d pssamahin…erase, erase… ay, sori, bz kc ako on that day… erase again. hello mr nocturnal, r u goin 2 d semender? Erase erase…never mind.

I’m thinking of the URC, the undergrad research thing… I want us to win…hehe… 50K for first place… haha! But now that we became a finalist, I’m glad, proud…and somehow contented. Actually, we didn’t expect us to become one of the finalists, not even a participant. Aside from a rushed experiment and a super-duper rushed techie paper, aside from being a buzzer beater on submitting the requirements (oh yes, it was almost time, I ran as fast as I could just to catch up an office that was about to close). Yes, what a crap. I remembered that we were given a 2.0 on our research subject, and now, we’re going to join, we’re going to present the fruit of our so-called labor and brain juices (plus some persuasive skills/pang-uuto/hypnosis if possible)… haha, funny but true.

Hate is not the opposite of love… not again, Grace, not again, not now. Weeks ago when I watched the flame grow big before my eyes, when past went with the fumes and black smoke that it created. I was teary eyed then partly because of the fumes. I am going to leave those behind. Like the ashes that were left after the fire went out, I left that painful past as is until I forget about them. Like ashes, I have nothing to return to; I don’t have the magic to turn those ashes back from what they were… experience is an irreversible process. I have nothing to do but to start another one, hoping that this time around, it will be the right formulation. Life is like an undocumented experiment, a trial and error process. There is no exact methodology but wisdom provides the rules of thumb and some standard operating procedures. Nonetheless, love’s like that, too. I am happy right now, and hoping that this is a right formulation.

I’m a little impaired, I know… I’m just a little unwell.

So Sick by Ne-Yo

2006-04-02T21:33:00.000+08:00

So why can't I turn off the radio?

Mmmm mmm yeah
Do do do do do do do-do
Ohh Yeah

Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cuz you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger than this
(enough is enough)
No more walkin round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Cryin over you

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked July 15th (???)
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be

That's the reason I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Dont make me think about her (..his) smile
Or having my first child
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio

Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she (..he) was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

Said I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she (...he) was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin' you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
Why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Why can't I turn off the radio?

isa pa...female version naman...

I gotta change the station that I have
Cause all i hear is you
It just keeps reminding me
Of all the things we used to do
And I know that I should turn
Off the radio
But it's the only place I hear your voice anymore

(It's ridiculous)
It's been months since I've spoken to you
(You aint keep in touch)
Don't know why it came to this no
(But enough is enough)
No more walking round with my head down
I don't wanna be a fool
Crying over you

If you're so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
You said you loved me
Why aren't you here?
I'm so sick of your love songs
So sad and slow
But I just can't turn off the radio

Gotta fix that calendar I have
That's marked July 16th
Cause it seems like you forgot
That was our anniversary
When I heard your song
It made it hard to erase your memory
Now when I hear your songs I know it's best for me
I can't believe that your

So sick of love songs
So tired of tears
You said you loved me
Why aren't you here?
I'm so sick of your love songs
So sad and slow
But I just can't turn off the radio

Ooh
(Now that I'm gone)
Now that I'm gone
(I wanna be left alone)
Ooh
And everytime I see your smile
It's looking at our child
You should know
Ooh why can't you move on?

If you're so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
You said you loved me
Why aren't you here?
I'm so sick of your love songs
So sad and slow
But I just can't turn off the radio
(I just can't turn off the radio)

If your so sick of love songz (So sick of love songs)
so tired of tears (so tired of tears)
You said you loved me
Why aren't you here? (Yeaaaah) (Why ain't you here???)
I'm so sick of your love songs
So sad and slow (Oo oh)
But I just can't turn off the radio
(I just can't turn off the radio)

If you're so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
You said you loved me
Why aren't you here?
I'm so sick of your love songs
So sad and slow
But I just can't turn off the radio
(I just can't turn off the radio)
I just can't turn off the radio

Barely Graduating...

2006-04-01T10:34:00.000+08:00

Today's the first day of April... shucks...

We're yet to finish our plant design, waaah!
Scary... We badly need to finish this thing or else, grrh...

Off the Record

Three consecutive nights, almost sleepless but not quite
Progress: about 1% for every 1000kW power our brains can produce
Temperature & Pressure: reaching saturation, in any minute we might evaporate
Sanity: on the verge of insanity...
LSS: Imago's version of Spoliarium
Addiction: Chocolates, frequent internet connection, YM, friendster, blog (of course), texting (thanks to unlimited texting services)
Most Luxurious Pasttime nowadays: Sleeping

---

Arthur said: "We're dead"
Comment: actually, we're not, we're just about to die.

Love Song by 311

2006-03-30T22:48:00.000+08:00

A serenade plus a good singer+guitarist plus a bouquet of roses equals one great moment :)

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Of Moodrings, Movie Dates and Holding Hands

2006-03-26T12:55:00.000+08:00

...matagal ng journal entry...

===========

There’s nothing I want to happen but to love and be loved. In our case, I think I must let you do your own thing; I must not dictate what we must; but we have just to be what we must really be. I know you want me to be aggressive, to push on my wants and desires. This time around, this time, I really know what I really want… and I know you’re too much aware of it. Sigh. But I can’t, and you can’t.

Dreams occur to me too often, as often as you appear in them; as often as you touch my hands and hug me in those dreams; as frequent as I wake up in tears. You will just be in my dreams, nothing more than a mere illusion that you are near me. How deceiving that my mind can create those false hopes. They will always be dreams; they are not true. They are just unreachable desires of this foolish heart.

I’m aggressive, right? But I’m just way more than what I expect myself to be one. If I want something, by hook or by crook, I’ll find a way to get it. But what if what I want is you? What should I choose to follow, my heart or my conscience? And to think that I want you extremely, what should I do? Actually, there’s something in me that I want to overcome- my strong desire, my longing of someone like you. It’s just way beyond my comprehension that I really can’t understand what is happening to me right now. It’s difficult for me to accept that I really can’t have you; but what I do not know is if it would just for now or for eternity. Sigh.

I’m forcing myself to forget you, but it’s sooo hard, sooo difficult. I have to think of the ways to get mad at you, but I really can’t. Sigh. Foolish me. If there would be an easy escape on this matter. (Am I too desperate? Maybe, in a way, sort of, not exactly, but still.)

===================================

Masama ba ang magmahal? Minsan, maaaring masama na nga ang magmahal, lalo na kung labis labis. Nagmahal ka nga ngunit hindi ka naman masaya. Mahirap din minsan kung nagpapakamartir ka sa isang taong hindi ka pala kayang mahalin, kasi sa huli, ikaw ang malulungkot, ikaw ang luluha.

Bakit ang love, parang isang entity na lang. When it comes, it comes. When it leaves, it disappears. Haay. I believe na sa atin naggagaling ang ‘entity’ na yan. Pero minsan, mahirap lang tanggapin na ang love na ino-offer mo sa taong mahal mo, tinatanggihan pa. Takot din kasi ang ibang tao na hindi nila matumbasan ang love na ibinibigay sa kanila. Haay. What’s their point? Actually, sa akin, hindi ko naman masyado iniintindi kung matumbasan man nila o hindi ang love ko sa kanila eh; what’s important is that kahit papaano, alam ko na mahal din nila ako. ‘Yun lang, ok na sa akin yun.

Nalulungkot ako kasi alam ko na hindi ako kayang mahalin ng taong mahal ko. Maaaring dati minahal niya ako, ngunit hindi na ngayon. Maaaring kasalanan ko rin; tinulungan ko siyang mamulat sa mga bagay na ayaw ko pa sanang maranasan. Ngayon, hanggang ngayon, hindi ko matanggap na ganun siya kahilig dun. (O maaari rin naman kasing gusto ko lang na mangyari iyon sa amin kaya ako nagkakaganito). Haay. Kung pwede ko lang talaga siyang diktahan sa mga bagay-bagay na gusto ko sanang mangyari, matagal ko na sanang ginawa iyon. Basta ang alam ko, mahal na mahal ko ang taong iyon, despite of all the things he had been. I love him for who he is. Buong buo ko siyang tanggap. Pero hindi talaga siguro sapat na mahalin ko siya. Hindi ko alam, gusto ko lang na tanggapin niya ang pagmamahal at care ko sa kanya.

Kung pwede ko lang din na lokohin ang sarili ko na hindi talaga siya para sa akin pero masyado akong matalino para mabiro ang sarili ko. Basta, hindi ko talaga tanggap. Hindi ko alam kung selfish na ako. Maaaring oo, maaari rin namang hindi. Ang weird talaga.

=== 05 February 2006 2335hrs

...

2006-03-26T11:30:00.000+08:00

For two nights, i've been away from home...far far away...

I am somewhere else right at this very moment... no different from the typical castaway, lost and confused; waves brought me to some unknown place.

For quite some time, I thought of avoiding things I like (and love) to avoid; of course, if only it would be possible for me to do that, i will, i really will. (ok, tag me coward if you want to; i don't care that much) anyway, i want to run away from those that make me cry (ambabaw...), from practically nonsense, nondirectional discussions, arguments, issues... but what i cant really understand myself is that the more i avoid them, the more i become sort-of attracted to those things. (i think about them so much, i worry about them and the like). oh well, that's life.

A Letter for Him

2006-03-25T09:33:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

Thank you for this wonderful morning, for rejuvenating me despite of a couple-o-hour sleep. Thanks for waking me up with my good thesis fellows, I hope they are rejuvenated as well. Please guide us for whatever activities we are into this day.

Lord God, please guide all the people who are dear to me, I want to reach them through my prayers, hug them with Your warmth and protection. Lord God, forgive me for what I have done wrong, and for the mistakes I have committed. I know that it is not enough to admit, but I am doing my best to change whenever I need to.

Lord God, I am asking for guidance, for me and to all the people who have the same dilemma as mine. I sincerely thank you for that You made me feel that I am not abandoned, for bringing my friends to support me. They make me feel that life isn't really that bad.

Lord God, please grant me peace of mind...

I ask all of these in Jesus' name, Amen.

Lowering the so-called Pride

2006-03-23T18:09:00.000+08:00

"...I'm not deserving to pass through your door ...would you, at least, leave your windows open?"

Formulary

2006-03-23T17:03:00.000+08:00

Time has passed me by

Some come and some go

Some just happen beyond my comprehension

I take them all wholeheartedly

With no any tint of refusal

I allow them to bring me

To places I’ve never been

To experiences I’ve never used to

I take them all

Amicable or not

Some have brought me joy

Some weariness and doubt

But most of them all

They all led me to self-discovery

A wide spectrum of personality

A concoction of character

From depression to happiness

To serious from funny

This is me, that is

Undergoing unsteady transition

Doped in an etherian substance

Of love, passion, trials and conflicts

Smelted and glazed through fire

Of emotions and logic

Stimulated with good intimidation

Through faith and hope

Turbulently agitated

By doubts and confusion and even miracles

I am, indeed, a creation of great science

But science itself can’t explain

A tiny speck of vast universe

Contrained through warp of dimensions

This is me, still

Pondering on why I do exist

And why time just passed me by

(1048am 23 March 2006)

Up until here...sorry pare...

2006-03-22T18:59:00.000+08:00

5:54am 22 March 2006 Arthur’s Room

There must be something wrong with me.

Using my high school vocabulary, my state now is: I am freakin’ out.Issues… I catalyzed the issues, past issues… I aggravate them. I am seeking for reconciliation but what have I found? A long-term enemy? An ‘enemy’ now and probably for the rest of my life? Yeah, I think there are much to blame to me… I’m here, merely expressing my thoughts (impulsively), didn’t even think of greater deal of things behind. Now, here I am, don’t know how to describe myself after knowing and thus confirming that someone has this negative feelings towards me. Partly, I expected it but not that intensified. Sobrang pagkamuhi ang nararamdaman ko mula sa kanya. But I think I can do nothing about it; we don’t even talk, the ‘issues’ just heating up further. Yung mga bagay like inistalk ko siya, nung lumapit ako sa mga unexpected na tao, sa mga renditions (parang gusto pa nyang sabihing liar ako't nagtatahi ng kwento, parang ganun ba? dude, what you think is also far from the truth)… those words are just plainly harsh that it made me think myself as soooo mean. Events just came up one after another and hindi ko na yun macontrol. I once said to myself that if I were able to know those things earlier, I mean yun, yung mga bagay na sinabi mong inaakala mong yun pero hindi, eh di sana I was able to defend myself earlier, maayos na siguro kami by now, but ganun talaga eh, sumama pa ang mga pangyayari. Ewan ko talaga, may magagawa pa kaya ako? Alam kong persistent akong tao, pero sa mga panahong ito, iniisip ko na rin kung may kahahantungan ba ang mga ginagawa ko. I just can’t stand to let those things be it; there’s this urge that kept on saying, “hey gurl, you’ve got to do something if those people really matter to you”. Grabe, sobrang harsh talaga but I’m not that easily turned down with these. Yes, nakakatawa man sabihin but nagmumukha na nga siguro akong tanga pero hindi ko talaga mapapalagpas ang ganitong bagay, so to speak. Hindi rin naman ako naghahanap ng away, ng kaaway; hinahanap lang ako ng peace of mind and I know hindi ko makikita yun kung mananahimik lang ako. I’m freakin’ out ‘coz things just got worse.

Sorry Arthur, pare, kailangan ko lang talaga umiyak ngayon, baka kasi mabaliw na talaga ako eh.

(Maybe) the Wildest Things I've Ever Done

2006-03-21T15:57:00.000+08:00

I thought this day would be fine as I supposed it would be but it wasn't.

Yes, I'm completely aware of what's happening now. Not even once should I bring the past back... But everytime I think about it I cry...emotional me...cry-baby me...(sorry my dear computer laboratory, i need to pour out my tears now, because i have a lot of paperworks to do tonight, and i don't want to be bugged by something else...sorry sa next na gagamit ng PC na ito, puro luha ko na ito) I am only human, and a lady, and I think I also have to do something;I should make an effort to make my side of the story clear, I supposed, para matapos na talaga.

First, (the root of them all), you were acknowledged to be my boyfriend, so it's not true that I denied you for that. They (not only my mom, but also my dad)knew then, although when we broke up, i let the issue cooled down in me first before I told them what happened 'coz they're the least of the persons I want to broke the news with. Why? Kasi alam nilang ipinagtanggol kita sa kanila... and I didn't want them to feel sad and sorry for me for what happened between us. Kung alam mo lang ang worry ko nun,...I know your mom know about this. Bakit sa mom mo? walang makakaintindi sa akin kundi babae din...sorry but she's one of the persons who entered my mind na lalapitan ko...sorry kung medyo mali sa paningin mo. but the truth is, it did help, and i wanted to thank your mom for that because when that time came when my mom wasn't available because she was somewhere because of her job, there was your mom... i needed an elder then, not a friend of our age.gets?

Second, I think I've crossed your territories... sorry if you think i stalked you, but come to think of it, your 'close' friends, who? our orgmates? sorry ah kinumusta nila tayo eh, anong gusto mong isagot ko? our orgmates na napakaobservant? our orgmates na hindi mo lang mga kaibigan, kaibigan ko rin sila, kaya wag mo silang angkinin. sorry kung kaibigan ko rin ang ilan sa nasa barkada/circle of friends mo, sorry ha.. who, our co-tutors? eh nung nakita niya ako, alam na rin niya. sino pa? and yes, I didn't really believe you at first, 'analyzing' the turn of each event... bigla, bigla, bigla. and what do you mean of denying the fact that youve got connected to me? there's no reason to deny it.. if ok, eh di ok. but i know you know what i mean, kunwari may 2 kaibigan kang dating sila, tapos nagbreak, syempre itatanong nila kung ok na kayo di ba? ...rendition ko ng story, ok, kung ano ang pagkakaintindi kong nangyari sa atin, yun lang, no more, no less... oo, may na-involve na hindi sinasadyang mainvolve, naging padalos dalos nga ako sa mga actions ko, naging impulsive ako, alam kong guilty ako dito, pero tulad nga ng kasasabi ko lang, hindi ko yun sinasadya at nagkataon lang.

Third, once in a while, feeling ko ang tanga ko. oo, ang daldal ko. but mas marami pa ang itinatago kong sama ng loob/lungkot na hindi ko mailabas. kung hindi dahil sa blog na ito hindi mo malalaman na ganito ang nangyayari sa akin ngayon. ngayon, feel ko na hanggang dito sa engg ang cringe na nafefeel mo sa akin.. it's already defined, it's already clear... maaaring wala na ring magagawa ang rebuttal ko dito ngayon kasi may posibilidad na hindi mo ako naiintindihan at ganun din ako sa yo.. gusto ko sanang magkaayos tayo for once, but kung ganoon na lang ang pagkamuhi mo sa akin dahil sa mga nangyayari, I won't insist...

...alam kong masaya ka ngayon...ayaw ko rin namang madagdagan pa ang sama ng loob mo sa akin... labis na yun. tama na ang negative feelings na mararamdaman ko ngayon bago ako umalis.

to be continued, i need to go down to my research laboratory because it's about to close na.

(ChE Computer Laboratory, 5:17pm, 21 March 2006)

Why do I blog?

2006-03-18T19:04:00.000+08:00

I don’t think myself as a blog addict because I don’t blog that often. I do blog whenever I think of something, big or small; whenever I want to share something; whenever there are words I want to tell to someone but I don’t have the opportunity to tell them (either because I know they won’t listen to me or I have no guts to tell them).

I love my blog space. Technology is indeed a great gift to mankind, especially to me. It has provided me the means to express. Of course, at first, I have no plans of disclosing this to other people, to my friends… secrets, angst, worries, insights, rants… pictures, pictures, and pictures… just some of the facets of my life that somehow the virtual world has been acquainted with. For quite some time, my blog is the only ‘one’ who listens to me (of course, my friends do listen to me, nagsasawa na nga ‘ata sila sa akin eh…hehe). Basta, there are things that are too difficult to say to somebody, maybe that’s why I resorted and chose blogging. Just me and my blog space.

But ewan, I posted to my friendster account that I have this, thus exposing my beloved blog to the world… I’ve just made it known! But, still, I don’t know if I made the right move. I meant every word I posted here, so I have nothing to worry about… sana. Somehow, I think of the people who more or less I mention once in a while in my posts… how they are going to react, what they will say about this, what they gonna think about me after reading my posts… (sorry guys, I mean all of them… wish ko lang hindi kayo magalit sa akin… I’m just asking for your respect and acceptance, at the least).

Basta, I’m enjoying my blog…

Another Cycle of so-called Paranoia Thing

2006-03-18T18:59:00.000+08:00

I know you don’t even care. Ba’t ako ganito ngayon? Siguro sa paranoia… pasensya na, paranoid lang.

Malamang nakarating ka na dito. Ano na kaya ang naiisip mo ngayon tungkol sa akin? Oo, kahit minsan naging laman ka ng isipan kong ito… palibhasa, sobrang nanghinayang… kung kailan mas umayos ang buhay ko saka mo pa ako iniwan… kung kailan naayos ko na ang buhay pag-ibig ko saka ka pa nawala. Alam ko, naintindihan ko…pinilit kong intindihan at isaksak sa kukote ko ang bawat salitang binitiwan mo ng hapong iyon. Neutral sila…in a way good, in a way not-so-good. Wala na akong nagawa nun kundi ang umiyak, ni hindi na kita nagawang pigilan pa dahil alam kong hindi ko na rin mababago ang isip mo dahil nakapagdesisyon ka na nga…at napag-isipan na rin ang inaakala mong dapat mong pasakalye bago ako paiyakin.

Oo na, kung bakit kasi napakadali kong umibig. Siguro kahit minsan, inakala na rin akong easy to get… pwede ring pa-hard to get. Andyan yung mahuhulog ang loob ko tapos hindi ko na alam ang magaganap… lagi na lang kasi puso at hindi utak ang ginagamit ko eh. Napakadali kong umibig, kaya siguro napakadali ko ring masaktan. Oo na, praning na kung praning. Sa totoo lang, sa dalawang halos magkasunod na karanasan ko, sobrang nasaktan ako. Yung una kasi, mahal na mahal ko yung tao pero maaaring may mga bagay kaming hindi talaga mapagkakasunduan; yung ikaw, minahal rin kita, ginawa ang mga bagay na inaakala kong dapat kong gawin, and I really did my best to make you feel na important ka sa life ko; yes, you gave me chance na magbagong buhay; yes, na mahal talaga kita… na kahit alam kong kahit konti may natira dito para sa una, alam kong mawawala rin yun. But there, I was left alone… for the second time. I thought that was a time of reconciliation. Yes, it was, a few months ago. But the situation just made a tiny flicker turn into flame again. I was blinded… kung bakit kasi na-feel kong mahal ko pa rin ang una… kung bakit kasi in-entertain ko pa ang thought na yun. Oo, nagpakagaga na naman ako nang hindi ko namamalayan. Hindi sana mangyayari ito kung…. How I wish that I kept my heart chaste and waited for you… meron pa rin siguro akong regrets kung nagkataon but not as worse as I have now. Oh yes, past is past…is past. Wala na nga siguro akong babalikan pa at hihintayin. Maaring wala na rin point o kwenta sa inyo yun ngayon, pero sa akin…kung alam nyo lang, sa bawat araw na kusa kong pinapalipas… kahit minsan, maramdaman kong tila miserable ang buhay ko. Oo, maayos naman ang acads ko, nakakaraos naman, ok rin naman sa pamilya, ok din sa mga friends… but hey, am I happy? Siguro nga, I have a huge emotional investment this college, first time kong pansinin ang ganitong feeling dahil ni sa panaginip ay hindi ko naimagine ang sarili ko. Ngayon, sa totoo lang, natatakot na ako… takot na takot… baka kasi mangyari ulit ang mga nangyari. Traumatized na ako, ayoko na. But sabi nga ng iba, face your fears. Pero kung patuloy naman akong masasaktan, mas mabuti nang wag na lang.

0125am 18 march 2006

ps. 2 years + 3 months na pala sana kami today pero wala eh.

I Love You Still

2006-03-18T18:53:00.000+08:00

(Kung nalalaman mo lang… ikaw ito…)

Haven’t seen you for a long time
That I’m almost used to it
But what is this funny feeling now
One second glance
That’s all I can afford
Because it is your eyes, I see in my dreams
“Hi!” was all I did utter
Because my heart declames my poetry
What is this ‘funny’ feeling
The feeling I denied, abandoned
But something I kept, treasured
Moments worth reminiscing
Singing, writing, dreamin’
Our moments they were
What is this ‘funny’ feeling
I already felt this, I know
The when, where and how
And to whom, with whom…
With your one second glance
That was all you did afford
I know this is not funny at all
Because seriously,
I love you still.
I really love you still…

Realization Over A Sink of Unwashed Plates, Utensils...

2006-03-08T11:39:00.000+08:00

Kulang na naman ako sa tulog kanina. Palibhasa'y Electoral Board member ako sa eleksyon kaya nahuli ako, as in late mga til 1:00 am nasa Engg building pa rin ako, sumisigaw ng pangalan ng mga kandidato, at nagtatally ng election results.

Dahil sobrang ginabi ako, nakituloy na lang ako... at sa kanila pa. Talagang inipon ko pa ang guts at kapal ng mukha ko para mag-ask ng favor sa isang taong dati ko lang ka-close na ngayon hindi ko na talaga ka-close (ex-boyfriend ko to be exact). Ang kapal talaga ng mukha ko pero kapit na talaga ako sa patalim, kailangan ko talaga ang tulong niya sa pagkakataong ito.

But of course, at the back of my mind, iniisip ko baka kami lang...but no, hindi pala. Parang ok na hindi. Haay. Girl din kasi yung kasama niya eh, taga-engg din. Today ko lang nalaman na sis pala niya yun sa sister soro ng frat nila. Pero ewan...

Ako, siya at ang bagong acquaintance... pumasok kami sa kanilang boarding house. Nagtaka ako nung una kung bakit walang ilaw...wala pala talaga dahil walang bumilya sa sala nila. Naupo na lang ako sa sofang kawayan dahil hindi ko alam kong saan ako matutulog, saan ako tutungo... but she, sa room niya... ilang minuto rin akong nakikiramdam sa mga nagaganap sa maliit na tutuluyang iyon. Kinuha ko ang celphone ko para itext ang mga members ko sa isang major habang sila'y tila abala rin. Ang ilaw mula sa kwarto niya ang nagsilbing tanglaw ko para makita ang halos kabuuan ng bahay na iyon, hanggang sa tuluyan na nga nilang isinara ang pinto ng kwartong iyon.

Nakaramdam ako ng pangingilid ng luha. Hindi man lang niya ako tinanong o kinausap, iniiwan pa nya ako sa salang wala man lang ilaw. Buti na lang wala ang isa nilang housemate na friend ko rin, sa kama na lang niya ako nahiga. Dahil sa mga gumugulo sa isipan ko, hindi ko rin nagawang matulog kaagad. Nakikiramdam ako, pero hindi ako malisyoso... nakakaramdam din ako selos nang wala sa lugar, na wala naman akong K para maramdaman yun. Pumunta lang ako sa CR nilang nakakaguntang dahil sa mildews, binuksan ang ilaw dun at tumapat sa lababo sa tapat nito. Magsisipilyo na kasi ako. Ano ba naman yung kahindikhindik, may mga hugasan pa sila, mga naiwang pinagkainan. Kaya kahit dis-oras na, binuksan ko ang kanilang maingay na gripo, at habang nagsisipilyo, naghuhugas ng mga kubyertos na hindi ko naman ginamit. Antagal kong nasa lababo, pinagmumunimunihan ang mga gumugulo sa isip ko. Tapos, bumalik ako sa kwarto pero hindi pa ako natulog kaagad. Nagsulat muna ako bago tuluyang matulog sa loob ng 2 oras.

Naunahan ko pa rin ang mga tao sa paggising partida. May naiwan pang kaserolang hindi ko pa nahuhugasan kaya hinugasan ko na rin. Pumasok ako sa CR nila para maligo na sana pero sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na lungkot na nararamdaman ko ay pinagkukukuskos ko ang tiles na pinamahayan ng mildews. Gaga talaga ako, sa sarili kong bahay hindi ko ginagawa yun pero sa bahay niya? hoy miss gaga, di na uso ang pa-martir epek. Isa pa hindi nya malalamang ikaw ang gumawa nun, kung malaman niya eh anu ngayon di ba? pasasalamatan ba naman ako? yayakapin at hahalikan? hay, nagising na lang ako sa realidad nang tapos ko nang malinisan ang banyong iyon at naligo na. grabe, di man lang ako nilamig, pero nagngingitngit ako sa tindi ng selos at desperation. Gusto ko nang umiyak nun pero di ko na nagawa.

Bago kami (ng roommate ng friend ko) umalis, nagiwan na lang ako ng maliit na note na idinikit ko sa pinto ng room niya..."Good morning...salamat. at pasensya sa abala. Have a nice day dude..." Ang plastic ng gaga. Malamang iyon na rin ang huling pagkakataong makikita ko siya nang malapitan...at mapapakiusapan nang ganun.

...salamat dude, lulubayan at iiwanan na talaga kita...Salamat.

(ChE computer laboratory, 12:30pm 08 march 2006)

(n+2)th Journal Entry

2006-03-01T04:03:00.000+08:00

27 February 2006 2350hrs

Habang tumatagal, nagsisink-in sa akin ang pagiging single ko. Nakakatawa, hindi naman kasi dapat big deal ang pagiging single eh, di ba?

Last Thursday night, I attended a youth church service which happened to be just within the UP campus. My friends dropped me by the film center, then when I got out of the car, I saw a familiar face from afar. Undoubtedly, that was Mr. Orange, with one of our orgmates and they seemed to be waiting for somebody. Our orgmate called me, and I glanced at them. I knew that he was not expecting me to be there, but I also knew that he didn’t care either. There, I glanced at them as I led myself through the hall’s entrance, not knowing where to go. After a few seconds of strides, I found myself with the crowd already started with praise songs. I went straight through the aisle, and there I found Rye, and she offered a seat next to hers. Then, I started singing as well even if I had just heard the songs for the first time.

A few minutes later, a ‘guest speaker’ was called upon the stage. The speaker happened to be the national president of Every Nation Campus Ministries, a pastor… a relatively young pastor. He even managed to entertain us by imitating some famous personalities. But what really caught my attention was the topic he chose to tackle: about love. Love… my self-admit weakness. He has a very good insights about love and his words just strucked me like lightning. For past weeks, I have been bothering about someone I know (or I thought) I love and care for a lot. Things related to him, things relating him to me, and some things that come out of the blue bugged me. I felt like worrying for something without knowing what this something is. My paranoia increased when he ceased from replying to my text messages (since that was the only medium we are using to communicate). That silence made me wonder for the past weeks and I don’t know what I should do. Anyway, the speaker’s words strucked me. It was as if he was telling his words directly to me. He seemed to answer some of my questions. I knew God used him to reach out to me, to deliver His words of encouragement and hope. True love waits, he stressed. After listening to his ‘lecture’ attentively, I began reevaluating and assessing the real score. I still don’t know if he’s worthy of the love I want to give him. But that’s how love really operates, isn’t it? Love comes from us, and it is meant to be shared, not kept… and I’m not waiting something in return. But why feel the hurt? I don’t know, but I still feel the hurt… hurt of knowing that the person you love does not seem to care for you at all, hurt of being aware that he tries to avoid you for some unknown reasons. I should not be bothered with these things since I have more important matters to attend to, but I chose not to. My own happiness just kept on outweighing other things, but I don’t think that this is selfishness. How complicated life operates, really… or am I just still young to understand its simplicity?

At this very moment, I am still stucked with this dilemma. What should I do, go on as if nothing bugs me or mind these things that bug me without knowing what this might cause me in the long run?

Online Result ulit...

2006-02-26T17:19:00.000+08:00

Tickle exam: What's your Romantic Pattern?

The Second Chances pattern is rooted in nostalgia — whether you're longing for the ex you haven't seen in a year, or are reminiscing about the crush you never connected with 10 years ago.

But, here's the recurring pattern you may see in your relationships: A longing to recapture someone or something that can reconnect you to a time in your life when love was a larger focus.

Whether you do it consciously or not, most people who migrate towards the Second Chances pattern either want to revise a past decision, confront someone they couldn't at the time, or revert back to a specific point in time.

This romantic pattern is repeated more times than you could imagine. Take the film "Peggy Sue Got Married," for instance. In it, a housewife faints at her high school reunion and wakes up in her senior year at high school with the chance to change her destiny. The root of your pattern too, may arise from these feelings, that you need to reconnect with a time in your life when love was a larger focus of your life and responsibilities were much fewer.

But it also might stem from other things as well. Your romantic pattern may arise out of regret for the past, or a desire to go back when things were easier. Did you have a particularly easy, fun adolescence? Have you recently suffered a loss — perhaps a divorce or the death of a loved one — that's made you long for the period before that incident?

Are you acutely aware that decisions carry with them a strong impact? Do you spend a lot of time analyzing your decisions, going over things you've said or done in your mind. Or are you simply sentimental, in love with old books and classic films, as well as your own memories? It's no wonder this is such a common romantic pattern. How many films feature starlets staring off dreamily into a recollection of days past? How question books reveal a heroes and heroines kept apart in the beginning, only to find themselves together at the end?

Romantic films and books often use this archetypal pattern of paradise lost and regained to create some of the greatest love stories of all time. "Casablanca" is one of the greatest renditions of this romantic pattern. In it Rick, played by Humphrey Bogart, is haunted by a brief romance with Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman), shattered by circumstances beyond their control. "The Way We Were," another classic, follows a similar story line. In "American Beauty," Kevin Spacey plays a man who tries to recapture his youth through an affair with a teenage girl. These patterns are so powerful precisely because they are so easy to relate to. This historical romantic pattern overpowers everybody at one point or another. How this tried and true pattern plays out in individual lives, varies from person to person.

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Comment: Grabe, almost real...

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ito pa ang isa..

Tickle exam: The Love Test

When you're head over heels, you are an Idealistic Romantic

"Happily ever after," may be the three words that you enjoy dreaming about, — next to "I love you," of course. As an idealistic romantic, you likely have your share of idealistic dreams for the future, especially when it comes to imaging your perfect partner. As a skilled socializer who knows how to make the people in your life feel special, you're apt to have your eye out for someone who can do the same.

The rituals of romance are important to you, so someone who doesn't appreciate the value of things like red roses and candlelight dinners probably won't hold your interest for very long. However, you're not just looking for a thoughtful date. You seek a deeper emotional bond. Once you find that special love, you'll probably be the first to declare that you're head-over-heels rather than hold back you're emotions. After all, what good is being in love if you can't share it?

Your score on the Love Test shows that you're less traditional than many other people who took it. This means that when it comes to love, you're more likely to go with what you feel in a given situation, rather than follow an established tradition. This is especially true in the beginning of a relationship. So in the early days of love, you're as apt to hold the door for your date as they are to hold it for you. After all, you probably figure that common courtesy is a valuable trait in a man or a woman. It's not gender-specific. Conforming to idealistic roles during courtship typically isn't your forte, so if your date expects you to act by these standards, you might find yourself losing interest. However, don't be surprised if when you know this person better you find yourself drifting into a more conventional pattern on your own. Sometimes it just happens. However, in your case, assuming such a role wouldn't be so much a personal judgment as it would be a preference. As long as you're living in accordance with your values, whether behavior is traditional or not doesn't really matter.

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Comment: Almost Real pa rin...

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Realization of Reality

2006-02-22T17:57:00.000+08:00

I took time to reflect on Mr. Orange's words, and for once, I agreed. He's right, he didn't need a girlfriend (and in context, that's me) to have a happy valentines day. I remembered myself crying that day for someone whom I know won't feel the same as I do to him. I realized that I shouldn't have let myself down; I should have enjoyed that day instead. Mr. Orange's definitely right...and I know he's happy right now.

Thanks Mr. Orange (even if you don't know that I have a blog thing...well, i can never tell...)

Cheer up girl :)

My Angst...

2006-02-21T19:36:00.000+08:00

magulo, yun lang ang masasabi ko sa sarili ko..

hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit ba ako nagpapakagaga sa 'yo. pare, ano bang meron sa 'yo at head over heels ako sa 'yo, ano ba? ano ba?

bakit kita sobrang minamahal ngayong alam ko namang hindi mo ako kayang mahalin? baliw na nga siguro ako, patuloy na nagpapakabaliw at napapauto. nakakainis na buhay to, kung bakit kasi sa dinami daming male species na naglipana, sa mga nagpa-cute sa akin, ikaw pa ang napansin ko. nakakainis talaga. if i only knew then na magiging ganito rin pala eh di sana hindi na kita pinansin sa simula palang para hindi ako nasasaktan ng ganito, tulad ngayon, nagtatanong lang ako sa text kung ano yung film ang iprepresent ng frat mo tapos ang ganda na reply mo, "So?". kainis talaga, nagtatanong ako ng maganda sa iyo but here we go again, gustong gusto mo talagang binabara ako noh? o hindi naman masyado? bakit ka naman ganyan sa akin ha? wala naman akong ginagawa sa yo ah! parang ang laki ng problema mo, ano bang ginawa ko sa yo ha? eh ikaw na nga ang may atraso sa akin eh, ikaw pa itong may ganang maging ganyan...

haay, kung hindi lang talaga kita mahal, pasalamat ka talaga. kahit ganyan ka pasaway, ka-mean, ka-bad, ka-gahaman, ka-bastos at whatever, eto pa rin akong dakilang baliw na wala ng inisip kundi ikaw. gusto mo pa sigurong lubayan kita, siguro nga ganun..then, turuan mo ako dahil wala sa vocabulary ko yun. turuan mong kamuhian kita, na abot langit kung pwede. turuan mong mainis ako sa yo. turuan mo akong magalit sa yo... pano ba kita kakalimutan? pano ba?

baliw na kung baliw. pero pare, hindi ko alam kung ano pa ang kaya kong gawin eh. pwede bang sapakin mo na lang ako, sagasaan para matapos na ito? help me find a psychiatrist, pastor o ispiritista, baka naman sinasaniban na ako. gusto ko nang matapos to, gusto ko na, pero hindi kita kayang balewalain...dahil andito ka..andito ka.

Rainstruck's Random Thoughts

2006-02-20T17:19:00.000+08:00

Parang dumaan lang talaga ang Valentines Day, paulit-ulit kong binanggit nang nakaraang linggo. Palibhasa loveless kaya ganun na lamang ang 'pagkamuhi' ko sa araw ng mga puso.

Martes nang mag-Valentines. Syempre, hindi nawala ang matitingkad na pulang rosas na nagkalat sa AS. Hindi rin nagpahuli ang mga coupling na animo'y mga magnets, hindi mo mapaghihiwalay sa higpit nang pagkakahawak nila sa isa't isa. At ako, wala lang, solo flight, nag-iisang naglalakad sa AS walk na kunwari ri'y walang pakialam sa mga nagaganap.

Dinala ako ng aking mga paa sa tambayan, at doo'y naabutan kong naglalaro ng cards ang mga ka-org ko, kasama na siya. Bihis na bihis siya na animo'y modelo ng sabong panlaba...ang puti kasi ng polong suot niya. Bibihira ko siyang makitang pusturang postura, pero bakit sa loob ng 365 na araw, ngayon pa?

Pambihira, kako, naalala ko pa nung kami pa, hindi siya ganun, naka-rugged attire lang siya. Parang ngang napaka-ordinaryo lang ng araw na yun. Sabagay, ako rin naman parang ordinaryo. Nakuntento kaming maglakad lakad sa oval nang maggagabi na samantalang ang mga ka-org namin ay abala sa paghahanda ng isang org event. Parang kami ang mundo namin, wala kaming pakialam sa mga taong nakapaligid sa amin, naghaharutang parang mga bata sa tapat ng Main Library. Ganun kami dati, simple lang ang pagcelebrate namin.

Nguni'y nakita ko siya sa ganung ayos, nakaramdam ako ng lungkot. Lungkot dahil hindi na kami ngayon, lungkot dahil parang may pader na naghihiwalay sa amin, lungkot dahil maaari ngang nakakita na siya ng ipapalit sa akin. Sa buong buhay ko, ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng ganitong obsession sa isang tao. Obsession na alam mong iisipin ka nang baliw sa ginagawa mo pero heto ka pa rin. Obsession dahil gusto mo yung tao, obsession dahil mahal mo siya, mahal na mahal. Pero ewan, naguguluhan lang siguro ako.

Nang gabi ring iyon, bago ako umalis ng Llamas kasama ang isa ko pang ka-org para mag-Bible study, nakita ko na naman siya sa ganun pa rin ayos. Mukha ngang may pinupormahan siya. Ako naman, nilagpasan lang niyang nakayuko habang naglalakad, feel ko na kasi umiyak nang mga oras na iyon. Buti pa siya, kung sino man siya, kako, ka-Valentines ka, eh ako, hanggang dreams na lang kita. At nang mag-Bible study na kami, hindi ko na talaga napigilang lumuha sa lagoon.

Mahal na mahal pa rin kita, sana bigyan mo pa ako ng chance para maiparamdam kong mahal talaga kita...

Some Unexplainable Feelings...

2006-02-13T19:14:00.000+08:00

Peace of mind...

That's all I'm asking, peace of mind. To hear the solitude of my soul, the music of my spirit. Peace of mind, so to speak... in the sense that I don't worry so much (but of course, I worry most of the time, but I hope it's not that often), in the sense that I feel that I have something inside that I have to drop/leave/forget..that kind of feeling of relief.

To my Silay Mahal, I know that day will come when everything will be fine..and your existence will be forgotten. (sorry, too harsh) But I hope my presence and existence have made a huge and significant difference/part in your life.. Ces't la vie...

Pagmumunimuni Ko...

2006-02-02T19:38:00.000+08:00

Birthday na niya bukas.

Sayang, di ko siya nakita kanina sa gym, di siya umattend sa class niya kanina. Mga tatlong beses ko siya nakita buong maghapon: Una, kaninang umaga, pumunta siya sa tambayan. Pangalawa, nang bumalik ako sa tambayan, nakita ko siyang natutulog pati ang isa pa naming ka-org. Pangatlo, nang manggaling ako sa kabilang building, dinatnan ko siyang natutulog. This time, siya na lang ang nasa tambayan.

Ang cute niyang matulog, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Namimiss ko na ang mga panahong nakikita ko siya ng malapitan. Kanina, nasa kabilang gilid lang siya ng mesa, opposite sa lugar na kinauupuan ko. Ang cute niya talagang matulog, sabi ko ulit. Para siyang batang pagod na kailangan ng tulog. Para sa akin, he's more like a sleeping angel.

Nakakita ako ng songhits sa mesa. Matagal-tagal na rin ang songhits na yun pero ngayon ko lang talaga pinagtuunan ng pansin ang bagay na yun. Unang pahina, pangalawa.. tinitingnan ang mga kantang medyo jologs at luma na. Meron din namang alam ko kaya I cant help but I sang. Narinig ko na naman ang maganda kong voice. Naririnig kaya ng natutulog na anghel sa harap ko? Maaaring hindi, sayang. Naalala ko pa naman dati, nang magsimba kami, inilapit nya ang tenga niya sa akin nang kumakanta na. Nahiya tuloy ako. Sabi nya sa akin, sa simbahan niya lang ako naririnig kumanta. Tama naman siya, hindi talaga ako kumakanta sa madla. Pero sa pagkakahimbing niya kanina, umaasa akong kahit papaano narinig niya ako.

Tok..Tok...Tok...

Biglang bumukas ang pinto, at dumungaw sa loob ng kwarto ang gwardiyang nakasalamin. Ala-sais na, kailangan na naming lisanin ang tambayan. Ngunit ang anghel, mahimbing ang pagkakatulog. Haay, mantika talaga siyang matulog. Ako na mismo ang lumapit para gisingin siya.

Gising na...gising na... sabi ko nang malumanay. Ngunit ilang beses ko pang inulit yun bago siya talaga nagising. Mantika talaga siyang matulog. Bakit kaya, nagpuyat siya? haay, kailangan niya ng pahinga. Namimiss ko na ring magkaroon kami ng contact. Weird pero gusto ko siyang hawakan. Kung pwede lang na yakapin ko siya, hawakan ang kamay, pisngi...halikan... pero, hindi ko alam. Basta, namimiss ko na siya... silay mahal.

An Online Exam Result Says...

2006-02-02T19:25:00.000+08:00

Hmm, according to http://web.tickle.com/tests/idealrelationship/result.jsp (after taking their, hmm, exam)

The thing you (that's me) need most in a relationship is Deep Connection
In your (that's mine) ideal relationship you (me) and you partner (and someone...kung sino man siya) would be deeply and passionately connected. This sense of intimacy is really important for you. As is the need for certain rules and an understanding of who wields the power in your relationship. But regardless of how this works, your deep need for this kind of closeness will ultimately drive your relationship.

...Haay, sana naman...

:) Wala Lang

2006-02-01T19:19:00.000+08:00

Nakakatuwa...

May bago akong crush... Crushable naman siya eh :)

-Nag-7th sya sa Board exam...wow! nung 1999...
-cum laude nung grumaduate nung 1999, top1 sa course nila
-may masters degree :)
-kung taken na ba siya o married? hindi ko alam... basta, crush ko siya, ha!

An Open Letter to Someone More Significant

2006-02-01T19:03:00.000+08:00

Silay Mahal,

...kahit alam kong hindi mo alam ang blog na ito, minabuti kong ikubli ang iyong pagkakakilanlan para masaya.:)

Sa totoo lang, namimiss kita talaga, as in sobra. Hindi ka na kasi nagpaparamdam eh. Kelan ka ba ulit nagpaparamdam? Bukas makikita na naman kita sa Gym, haay, kumpleto na naman ang araw ko. gayunpaman, nakakalungkot lang isipin na hanggang silay na lang kita, hindi naman kasi kita nakakausap ng personal eh. Minsan nga kung iniisip ko na kunwari kausap kita, haay, feeling ko manlalambot ang tuhod ko! Ewan, basta, ganun.

Dun naman sa laging topic pag nakakapagusap tayo sa text, hmm, pumayag ka man dun o hindi, ayos lang sa akin. Actually masaya naman ako at, heto, medyo nakakausap na kita ulit after 48 years. Hayaan mo, magpaparamdam ako nang madalas sa iyo, try ko ring pumunta sa defense mo ng thesis...hehe...

Namimiss na kita...

--Rainstruck

PS. May chocolate pala ako bukas! Gusto mong sheran kita? :)

Wala Lang...

2006-01-30T20:21:00.000+08:00

"April, thank you ah"

Napalingon lamang ako nang madinig kong tinawag ang pangalan ko sa hallway. At nang makita ko kung sino ang bumigkas ng maganda kong pangalan, napakibi lang ako. Palibhasa may PE pa ako at gutom nang talaga, nagpatuloy akong naglakad palabas ng Llamas.

"April, thank you daw oh?", dugtong ng isa ko pang ka-org.

Bigla ko na lang nasabi na, "Ayoko ng thank you!". Shucks, what have i say? Ayoko? Weird, bakit ko ba nasabi yun? Naku, teka, narinig kaya ako? April talaga oh, pinairal ang pagkamaldita. Pero wish ko lang talaga hindi kundi ewan, nakakahiya?

============

Mula pagdating ko sa UP, ginawa ko na ang exhibit. Palpak talaga kako, responsibilidad mo yan April, hindi mo nagawa nang maayos. Eh kasalanan ko ba na talagang busy din ako sa majors ko? Na leader din ako dun, na pilit akong gumagawa ng mga makabuluhang bagay sa acads ko, at pati na rin sa student council? haay, April, ewan ko na lang, may Logscript pang kailangang pagtuunan ng pansin... haay, iba talaga pag in-demand.

Di na nga rin pala ako nakapag-agahan, tapos ano pa ang kinain ko bago mag-PE, ensaymada? with matching C2? wow, grabe, on diet siguro.

Naghabol pa ako sa PE kasi absent ako last meeting, mehgash, ang dami kong dapat habulin in fairness... pero ok lang, andun naman si Silay Mahal, naglalaro ng basketball... haay, kumpleto na naman ang araw ko. :) Sana magtext siya mamaya (Wishful Thinking...)

oh my! Birthday na nya pala sa Friday!...

Morning Rantings...

2006-01-28T18:17:00.000+08:00

28 January 2006 0505hrs

Silay Mahal, gising ka pa ba? Kailangan ko ng kausap ngayon. Kung alam mo lang kung gaano kadepressing ang tumingin sa mga pics ng org (actually pumili).

Sabi ko pa kanina, ah! I didn’t miss that much naman pala, yeah true, di ko masyado nakita ang maganda kong mukha sa mga litrato, kasi it’s either nasa event ako o wala. Kung nasa event naman ako, it’s either nasa pic ako o wala. Kung wala naman, it’s either wala talaga ako nung kinuha yung pic(kasi madalas behind the scenes ako eh) o yung pic na andun ako, dinelete ng magaling na may-ari ng digicam (salamat talaga ha?). Wala naman akong say dun eh kasi kanya naman yung cam.

Wala naman talaga ako masyado namiss sa mga naganap, what really depressed me is the fact na malapit na akong umalis pero pakiramdam ko, wala naman akong nagawa na makakapagpaalala for me. Meron nga bang effect yun sa ibang tao? Ewan ko, di ko na dapat iniintindi yun eh, di ba? It bugs me talaga… kahit pa ang issue namin nung may-ari ng digicam. Bitter siguro siya.

Wala naman akong masyadong namiss… Minsan nga, naiisip ko na maging PA member man ako o hindi, wala masyadong ipinagkaiba. Minsan naman sa inis ko, nasasabi kong sakit ng ulo lang ang pinasukan ko, di ko na dapat ipinagpilitang makapasok sa org ng iba. But, I realized na hindi pala kita (probably, possibly) makikilala kung hindi ako nagjoin… hindi nga, seryoso, kahit pa, alam mo yun, nasaktan mo ako in some way, kung tutuusin, tayo na yung pinakamasayang nangyari sa PA life ko. Mushy, but true. Hindi ko kasi naisip na sa org ko pa makikita ang taong pahahalagahan ko nang ganito, nang sobra..up until now? Grabe di ba?! Haay, kung alam mo lang talaga, I’m just fighting back my tears now. Di sila worthy ng tears ko, lalo na yung may-ari ng digicam. (kala nya, siya lang may cam… magkakaro’n din ako nyan!) Haay, sentimiento de azucal…

--grace

PS pumayag ka na kasi! Klase… di naman ako nangangain ng cute eh! Hehe…Mahal kita. :)

Why I Like my Silay Mahal...cont'd

2006-01-27T20:13:00.000+08:00

I like my silay mahal because

- magaling siyang sumayaw at gumiling, as in magaling talaga, mas malambot pa ang katawan kesa sakin..
-dahil huggable siya
-dahil kissable siya (mushy...)
-dahil ehem, gwapo siya (binobola ko lang daw siya..but it's true, gwapo talaga siyang nilalang, inside and out)
-dahil funny siya (hahaha funny...)
-dahil siya ang hinahanap ko for a guy, siya na talaga (walang aangal ha!)

A Day that's Worth Rememberin'...

2006-01-27T19:46:00.000+08:00

27 January 2006

Hindi ko talaga makakalimutan ang day na 'to kasi ito ang araw na... geez! Muntik na talaga, as in muntik na... ang gulo ko.

==============

Kung nakaunlimited ako, i do my usual paramdam thing, lalo na sa, ehem, silay mahal ko.. wala lang, cute lang! :) anyways, ayun nga, nagpaparamdam ako sa mga pipol lalo na sa kanya. tapos kanina.. hehe 11:35am, sayang talaga eh! sinabi na niyang pumapayag na siya sa ganung set-up eh! lam nyo yung feeling na ang saya to the nth level mo. but unfortunately, 11 minutes after, bigla niyang sinabing "ay di pala muna. pagiisipan ko muna"... geez! kung pwede lang na iinsist nang iinsist na, "uy wag na, sige na pumayag ka na, wala nang bawian :)", but no way noh? ganun man ang naganap, oh well, cute pa rin. :) wala naman talagang naganap na major but thinking about it...hehe... of course, gusto ko na yun na nga. (at least, im being honest with myself, i just cant lie, i was born bold and loud kahit tungkol pa sa puso ang issue)... haay, sana pumayag na siya, as in sana, :) i wish bago grumaduate di ba, 'maayos' kami.

==============

kung gaano ko namiss ang silay mahal ko, ganun ko naman kainis si... as in grrrh talaga! basta, there is something na ayaw ko talaga, di ko feel, di ko na feel! as in kainis talaga, presenya palang... kaya siguro minsan naiinis yung silay mahal ko dun eh, naiinitindihan ko na. pero everytime na iniisip ko yun, parang akong binabagabag na ewan, parang nakokonsensya. ewan, di kasi ako , whatcha call it, mapangmata? pero malala na yun, pero parang ganun, ewan basta. sobrang naiinis ako sa kanya, na parang gusto ko siyang irapan, kilayan or something.. haay! lumabas na nga lang ako ng room kanina nung nakita ko siya eh para makasagap ng fresh air, at baka makita ko pa ang silay mahal ko! yeehee! hehe... kung alam nya lang ang pagkainis ko sa kanya, ibang level. pero pagbibigyan ko siya, malapit naman na akong grumaduate eh (yes, gagraduate daw...) yun, ayaw ko na siyang makita talaga.

Para sana sa kanya...

2006-01-22T13:25:00.000+08:00

Evanescence's one of my favorite alternative rock band. Napakasolemn nung kanta nila na ito, just one of the songs that can make me cry.

Forgive Me
by Evanescesnce
Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken

I'd give anything now
to kill those words for you

Each time I say something I regret I cry "I don't want to lose you."
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.

'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me

I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive

So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.

And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you

Reasons why I like my silay-mahal

2006-01-22T13:01:00.000+08:00

Reasons why I like my silay-mahal:>

- dahil happy-go-lucky siya. Parang siyang walang problema sa buhay (na kabaligtaran ko naman). Masayahin siyang tao; napakadalang ko siyang makitang malalim ang iniisip, nakayuko (pag naglalakad yun, nakayuko yun) Ang sarap pakinggan ng tawa nya, contagious pa kung minsan.

- dahil all-around siya. Madami siyang kayang gawin (tulad ko). Sporty, may hilig sa music (and can carry a tune, lalo na ang stigmatized ng the calling), magaling sumayaw (grabeh!), handyman pa. Alam mong mapagkakatiwalaan mo rin kikilos siya sa loob ng bahay (na medyo opposite ko).

- dahil sa pinagsamahan namin.

- dahil honest siya (at honest din ako sa kanya). Our lives are open books, we can talk about things na I never thought talking about to others. Sa kanya lang talaga, grabe. Yeah, we both know each other’s secret (kung secret nga bang maituturing yun). Kahit ganun man, tanggap ko siyang buong buo and without prejudice. A part of me is with him na, forever.

- dahil napapasaya niya ako nang hindi nya nalalaman.

- dahil sa kanya ko unang naramdaman na may tao palang concerned sa akin (syempre liban pa sa parents ko)… vitamins, sitting up straight.

- dahil hindi ko lang siya like, love ko pa siya.

- dahil para sa akin, totoo siyang tao…without pretense, hindi plastic, although minsan medyo nagiging plastic din (syempre kasama yun sa adaptation natin, at pakikisama)

- dahil kahit pala isang guy, naluluha din sa sad scenes ng movie…na animated. O di ba? May pusong mamon din pala siya.

- dahil I learned to appreciate life with him. Syempre ang bottomline is masaya ako with him (although napakarami talaga naming differences, lalo na sa ideas, principles sa buhay)

- dahil symbol siya na nakikinig si Lord sa akin…

- dahil kung may tatay ko maliban pa sa tunay kong tatay, siya na yun.

- dahil kung isa akong artista at magkaroon ako ng movie, gusto ko siya ang leading man ko…yung yayakap sa akin, yung hahalik sa akin, yung bubuhat ng lover’s carry sa akin, yung hahawak ng kamay ko, yung magliligtas sa akin from the villains. Haay..

- dahil love ko siya, love na love ko siya.

Askin' Me for an Interview??!

2006-01-20T18:21:00.000+08:00

A funny incident happened this afternoon.

I went to my only class today, at around 2:30pm. Surprisingly, my classmate (which also happen to be a groupmate in my plant design class) approached me, grinning. He held my hand playfully then he asked, "April, pwede ka bang mainterview? Para sa Comm3 namin." That statement also added to my surprise since he's the first one to ask me for an interview. "Comm3? ngeeh! Ba't ako? Ano ba ang topic nyo?" I replied. Then he answered while almost laughing, "...In and out of a relationship! Yun yung napagdecidan na topic, eh, ikaw kasi ang una kong naalala..." Funny isn't it?

Grabeh, di naman ako ganun ka-beterana eh.

Melancholy's Around like Ether

2006-01-18T18:13:00.000+08:00

18 January 2006 0250am

I really don’t understand myself why I have the knack for making myself sooo sad.

Just recently, I realized that most of my blog entries (here and in the others) are about sad things, my rants, complaints, my most kept words that I can’t speak of. Yeah, I just don’t understand why it is so. No, I think I know why, I just don’t want to admit it to myself that it is so.

I am saddened by the way things are happening; they just don’t seem to fall into right places. Or I just don’t want them to happen that way. It’s frustrating that fate might be working against me too often. Unfair as it may seem, so unfair.

All of these things can be wrapped up with only one question:

Why does a someone-like-me has to exist? What is the purpose of my mere existence in this d*mn world?

Yeah, too pedagogical, too vague, too profound… but with what’s happening in my life right now, I just can’t find happiness, contentment, peace. Every now and then, I’m perturbed and I feel like earning hatred and pity to myself.

I don’t really know… is it I am just loving myself too much? Actually, I don’t think so. For some years, I almost forgot myself. Without making this too exaggerated, I know that I’ve been a ‘martyr’ in many instances, I was aware that many have taken me for granted because of this. Now, I know what I really want, I am just giving what is due to me.

Haay, I feel depressed…I have had enough of the downs, of pain, of resentment, of self-pity… I think I’m insane already… I just wanna die right now, but I can’t. I’m still hoping that there will be some good things ahead of me. But pessimistic me, for me, they will all be ending as dead dreams. I don’t want to dream anymore, most of the times they don’t come true, it will just leave me frustrated and resentful…

Enough of this…

Ang LSS ng Buhay ko???!!

2006-01-17T19:46:00.000+08:00

Sa tuwing naririnig ko ang kantang ito, natutulala ko. Bakit? ewan ko, feeling ko parang ako yung nasa kanta...

How Could This Happen to Me by Simple Plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light.
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

*CHORUS*
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just want to scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold
On to a time when
Nothing mattered
And I can’t explain
What happened and I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

*CHORUS*
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just want to scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just want to scream
How could this happen to me

Si Toffee, bow!(wow-wow)

2006-01-02T18:03:00.000+08:00

Ito ang pet ko, si Toffee.
This picture was taken a year ago, so imagine nyo na lang kung ga'no na lang kalaki yan ngayon.
Aakalain nyo bang half-pitbull ang pet kong ito?

Cute nya noh? Naaalala ko pa nung puppy pa sya, lagi ko siyang pinapatong sa kandungan, at madalas kinakausap (dont worry, di po ako nawawala sa sarili ko). Nang mga panahong yun, sobrang lungkot ko dahil...uhm...basta, that was a year ago, I should abandon that thought.

Anyway, sayang talaga at hindi na puppy ang pet kong ito. Ganunpaman, sobrang loving ni Toffee, sobrang bigat nga lang niya. Ang cute pa ng eyes niya, masyadong expressive.. Alam mo kaagad sa tingin pa lang niya kung masaya siya, natatakot siya, o matamlay siya... Maingay nga lang siya pag nakakita ng dog food. :)

First time ko po dito...

2005-08-06T12:51:00.000+08:00

first post ko po ito...
matagal na itong blog na ito pero ngayon palang magkakalaman...
pero next time pa magkakaroon ito ng MAKABULUHANG laman...
peace man...